The problem with trying to get clean.. to let go of all the vices that come with depression is the body tells the mind no.  The mind then tells the heart there are many good reasons to need a drink or a smoke to survive.  The main one being life sucks if forced to live it without some kind of high.  It is always the same way with me.  Just when I start feeling good enough to beat my vices something happens or doesn't happen and the need grows strong in me.  I end up spending another day on the floor staring at some TV show unable to deal with life.  I have all these truly hilarious skits that I plan to do but the silence of my life, the lonliness of it overwhelms me. 

The sad reality I am facing is nobody can fix that inside me.  Why should I have to tell people to call or care?  I shouldn't... I won't.. anyone who already knows me had the chance to get to know me.. or maybe they didn't.. maybe the problem is simply they are associated with a life I don't want.  I don't want to be here in Edmonton.. I want to be in Malta... I want to leave Canada and never return.  It isn't that I don't love my country I just dislike north america..   I like the heart of Europe... the way they see life and live it.. the way they remember to take time to enjoy life where we take time to work harder... I am such a liar but the fact people I know read this blog changes the honesty of it.. what was a place for me to get the madness out has become a place where I censor my truth because if we are truly honest it would scare people... people who know you want to help and they can't... they can't change or do anything.. my madness is my own..not anyone elses.. I want out of edmonton because I hate the place with all my heart..  It is home to all my bad memories and very few good.. I want to leave on a jet plane.. and never return again...

they call me igebadia  google it or check out my youtube channel..  http://youtube.com/igebadia