a fractured mind...

a fractured mind...

Gebadia Smith  //  

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Nov 22 / 1:42pm

Chronicles of a fractured mind: Sunday

Today is another day when I wake up wishing I could just sleep through the day.  Later I am going to get some booze to try to drown out the voices in my head... I struggle with the evidence of my life...I try to drown them out with noise but my lonliness is too deafening.. strangers on youtube are kinder to me.. give more to me than those who know me... it makes it worse cause how come those who know me can't even send an email saying how am I doing.. I am turning inwards.. unable to ever let myself get close to anyone again.. new people try to talk to me but I cannot get close to anyone again.. I am too wrecked inside... See not anyone can cure the lonliness, it is the people who are in your life.. the people.. fuck I don't care anymore.. I need to drink excessivily... until I feel nothing inside...it is the only joy I have...
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Filed under  //  depression   friendship   gebadia   heart break   igebadia   love   madness   pain   suicide  

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Nov 22 / 1:39am

Chronicles of a fractured mind - Saturday Night

Good world.. she still has not written.. I think it is me.. even though I do not know what I could of said.. but when your me you always start and end with you...cause it is always me that is the problem.. I do not have the courage or self trust to be able to call out someone else.. or maybe doing that would mean truths I am not ready to face... maybe I do not trust myself but the cruel truth of all is I have to wake up tomorrow and go through the same self doubt and madness all over again...
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Filed under  //  depression   friendship   gebadia   heart break   igebadia   love   madness   pain   suicide  

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Nov 21 / 11:37am

Chronicles of a fractured mind - Saturday part 2

If they had drugs you could take to stop all emotion in me I would likely cure cancer.. the hardest part of depression is the time you lose.. and the fact people don't ever understand what depression is... they think it is how you think.. the same people who don't think you can change cancer.. think depression is not real.  It is an illness you fools.. emotion makes us all do things.. well what if you had a wterfall of emotion like on a teater totter and what if it went back and forth.. and you were a slave to it.. well that is how depression works for me.. one second I can conquer the world.. usually when I fall asleep.. and in the mornings I think I am the most worthless person in the world.. and you spend the whole day trying to get back to believing your worthwhile... but then it is time to go to bed and your usually locked in the grips of your vices.. I just feel like giving up.. cause I am never going to be normal.. I am never going to be able to have a relationship... my madness has gotten worse with age... because it is harder to trust life.. harder to find a reason to fight... for a man the best years of your life are when you were young and agile.. and being physical meant something but as you get older their is no point... the thrill of life is gone.. there are no more battles to be fought.. the romance of the world is lost..
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Filed under  //  depression   friendship   gebadia   heart break   igebadia   love   madness   pain   suicide  

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Nov 21 / 11:15am

Chronicles of a fractured mind - Saturday

I know she is really busy and that is why she doesn't write much.. 4th year law and she is always like this during exams.  Locks herself away from the world but it hurts still.  Why doesn't she just say hey I am busy for the next few weeks.. but I don't know how to express my feelings on this because I don't know what is right or wrong.. I don't really have any self confidence in that matter.. reltionships of any kind stress me out.. I wish I did not feel lonely.. the mornings are the worst.. the way I wake up and one event can shape my day.. how before it starts the day is determined. I want to go back to bed but I have to get up.. my back hurts.. from laying down watching movies but I can't face life.. it is too much..so today will be another day lost to the claws of madness in my fractured mind.  they call me igebadia and I suffer from depression
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Filed under  //  depression   friendship   gebadia   heart break   igebadia   love   madness   pain   suicide  

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Nov 9 / 1:44pm

Depression 101: Slave to your emotion

I made this video about depression and how often it is like a domino effect.

This was a comment made by a tuber:

"Seems like you understand the way your mind works and your thought processes...
I think having that knowledge should be able to help you overcome it.
Because you know that you think that way, so when you chose the "wrong" option, you should make yourself think about your thought processes and then counter that 'wrong' thought with a more probable healthy thought.
Then with practice, overcoming small things, you can eventually overcome the bigger things and live a more relatively normal life"

Sadly this is all too often the belief when it comes to depression.  Here is my video response to that comment.

They call me igebadia... http://youtube.come/gebalove    http://cybersweetness.com

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Filed under  //  depression   emotion   mental illness   pain   SAD   seasonal affective disorder  

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Nov 7 / 9:38am

I do not want to fall asleep...


Here I sit at 10 am in the morning.  It is time to go to bed for me because this is the pattern my life without a job has taken.  I have 2 months left to find my way back to the emotional stability to find a job that pays $2500 take home a month or bad things will happen.  People look at me and think I am fine.  The tree only falls in the forest when we see it fall.  They do not see the inner struggle inside.  The way I reduced my world to places, things and actions that will not cause me emotion.  How I never listen to music, some movies I cannot watch and outside is a place that terrifies me.  It is crazy right.  What sane person would act such ways?  But I am not a sane person.  I am a man who looks at everything with fear... always asking is this a variable that will lead me to that very, very dark place. 

How can I get job when I cannot find enough will power in me to get up and go outside?  How can I work in an office when I am terrified of people because I know my emotions will lie to me and I will over react or under react or not react.  Everything I say.. I write.. I do.. I over analyze because so often in life I have been so wrong. 

I have no answers.. there are no pills...I pray an angel shows me the way... you know the hardest part... it is I just need the right people to believe in me.. to tell me.. the one thing I have noticed is how so rarely in life do we bother to tell people they are amazing.... at least nobody does to me.. the right people I should say... it is always the right people.. the people we attach worth too...

I have no answers.. so I lay here afraid to go to sleep cause waking up at 10 pm... looking at the dark world is a special kind of hell... almost as bad as looking at the world at 8 am and realizing you don't matter... not in anyway that makes you smile...

So I will watch farscape.. I really bad scifi show on itunes.. that I have not seen... if you know me... I guess the way to think about it is when you date a girl she will never tell you what is wrong because if you had cared you would of known.. once she tells you it is too late....this blog is for me... I do not want your help... but I do think the cousin I never met rocks.. about the only member of my family I feel that way about...


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Filed under  //  depression   heartbreak   hope   itunes   love   madness   pain   sleep  

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Oct 20 / 12:14am

The ups and downs of being emotional..

The problem with trying to get clean.. to let go of all the vices that come with depression is the body tells the mind no.  The mind then tells the heart there are many good reasons to need a drink or a smoke to survive.  The main one being life sucks if forced to live it without some kind of high.  It is always the same way with me.  Just when I start feeling good enough to beat my vices something happens or doesn't happen and the need grows strong in me.  I end up spending another day on the floor staring at some TV show unable to deal with life.  I have all these truly hilarious skits that I plan to do but the silence of my life, the lonliness of it overwhelms me. 

The sad reality I am facing is nobody can fix that inside me.  Why should I have to tell people to call or care?  I shouldn't... I won't.. anyone who already knows me had the chance to get to know me.. or maybe they didn't.. maybe the problem is simply they are associated with a life I don't want.  I don't want to be here in Edmonton.. I want to be in Malta... I want to leave Canada and never return.  It isn't that I don't love my country I just dislike north america..   I like the heart of Europe... the way they see life and live it.. the way they remember to take time to enjoy life where we take time to work harder... I am such a liar but the fact people I know read this blog changes the honesty of it.. what was a place for me to get the madness out has become a place where I censor my truth because if we are truly honest it would scare people... people who know you want to help and they can't... they can't change or do anything.. my madness is my own..not anyone elses.. I want out of edmonton because I hate the place with all my heart..  It is home to all my bad memories and very few good.. I want to leave on a jet plane.. and never return again...

they call me igebadia  google it or check out my youtube channel..  http://youtube.com/igebadia 

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Filed under  //  addictions   bipolar   cybersweetness   depression   gebadia   heart ache   igebadia   love   pain   SAD   seasonal affective disorder   sober  

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