a fractured mind... http://gebalove.posterous.com Most recent posts at a fractured mind... posterous.com Wed, 16 Feb 2011 10:41:02 -0800 How many hours do you stair at your email hoping she will write http://gebalove.posterous.com/how-many-hours-do-you-stair-at-your-email-hop http://gebalove.posterous.com/how-many-hours-do-you-stair-at-your-email-hop And she never does.  She doesn't even know you exist.  Instead she is off living while you are off dying because none of it seems real.  You are not alive and yet you are not dead.  You drink, you smoke, you do anything you can to get her back in your mind.  All you get is sadness which you hold on to even though it eats away at your soul until you can't even remember what happiness was.  People make you sad because you know you could never be honest with them.  You have seen it before.  The look on there face when you tell them your stories and you see the disproving judgment upon there face.  They laugh at the very same thing that happens on TV.  With me they just give you the freak look.  Sure some people say weird, or eccentric, or different but all you here is freak.  You try to laugh it off.  You try to let it go but deep down you can't.  Instead you examine every element of your life inside and out trying to figure out how to be normal.  Problem is you can't always pull of the lie.  You are never able to relax because you are constantly trying to understand the complexity of what is simple human interaction for most.  For you it is the most illusive thing because you can't find the stability needed to have good meaningful relationships with others until you find your place in this world.  The curse of needing to fit somewheres.  Not wanting to be alone. 

Soon you find all you can do is lay in a dark room, lost in your mind where you still have a chance to be something listening to the sound of rain.  Sometimes you can't move because you carry too much inside that you can't let go for many reasons I can no longer remember.  Can you ever really explain the crap inside, the questions with no answers, the mistakes, the regrets, the curse of looking back and just wishing you could know what you know now, back then even though knowing would change everything.  the thing they never tell you is that timing is equally important to love.  Having the courage to deal with your problems which you don't and do.  Sure you went to the doctors and take some brain pills which reduce the wild ride which is a trip in my mind.  Still the crazy lurks beneath.  You are constantly aware of it beneath the surface, waiting for the right sequence of events which always lead to the same outcome. 

Some of you will disagree and say I am not mentally ill.  I will respond by saying are you a brain in a vat with multiple personalities?  No so shut the fuck up.  You say that to my face I would put your head through a wall and yet you expect me to be nice to you when you say online.  How many people have killed themselves because they simply could not find anyone to believe their pain is real?  How many scars live upon the arms of the broken who just needed someone to help them, to listen.  Sadly you couldn't just listen and shut your fucken mouth.  I hate people who try to tell me what to think about my own life even though they know nothing about me.   I know what is normal and what is not.  Being mentally ill doesn't mean running around chasing ghosts.  It just means in some cases you have less of one type of chemical or another.  Sometimes life breaks your mind and you just can't cope.  Sometimes life causes a predisposition to take effect.  Sometimes it is just the inability to feel happiness, sometimes it is like you in that you fight to control your emotions and how they lie to you.  How the voices of the past seem to control the interaction in the future because you can't see past your own flaws.  You can't see the good in you.  You can't get close to people because it terrifies you. 

I think all you can really say about yourself is at least you are not a brain in a vat like me..  I think that is my biggest pet peeve.  I can say I am a brain in a vat and yet a % of people who read my blogs will believe everything I say.  If you are one of those folks then you are stupid.  How many variables between truth and fiction?  The lie is not that I refuse to say if the tales are real or not.. the lie is that you think you can know the world from what you see or interact with online.. nothing online is real and thus all it can ever be is a story. 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Tue, 25 Jan 2011 03:28:41 -0800 Letters to Asha 3. a birthday letter I never could bring myself to send http://gebalove.posterous.com/letters-to-asha-3-a-birthday-letter-i-never-c http://gebalove.posterous.com/letters-to-asha-3-a-birthday-letter-i-never-c I don't know the exact date and really don't want to google my inbox..  my two dogs are laying on my floor asleep.  I so enjoy sleeping dogs.  I think I know what you meant about dogs not respecting your space.  It is a difficult thing to get work done around a dog.  My mom tells me all the time that I am responsible for my dogs bad behavior.  I am like what did you expect from a guy who wants around in 2 feet of snow in shorts and a big huge jacket.   I have hairy legs.  Figure god made my legs able to handle the cold.  There is the sound of a train in the background.  

Happy birthday Asha... In my heart I pray you know my thoughts are with you.. I am only silent because it is no longer my place and to send it would make me more pathetic than I have been I suppose.  Sometimes the kindest thing I can do is say nothing and ... bury the unspoken words of love deep down far.. far far away.. I so can go dark when it comes to you.  If I sent this letter I would feel pathetic.  I don't want to feel that way.  I don't want to give you the power to rip my heart from my chest like you did over and over again like some uncaring bitch.. maybe I was the ass that caused it by showing the worst parts of me right away.   It is the curse of the I am an idiot.  Maybe I wanted to hurt you emotionally like you hurt me... maybe I want you to feel the pain that never has gone away.. how you took me in, played me like a fiddle and spit me on the street when you scared the shit out of me by.. and yet it can still be my fault.. all perspectives are possible.. too many variables.. I don't have the answers to why it ended.. why..

likely a good idea I did not send this.  don't worry none of this is real.  you are a brain in the vat and this is just electrical impulses.  If you find you are an impulsive person it likely means you are mentally ill.  Sure the credit card companies for playing on your mental illness.  They call me carrivagio.. I am a poet mad scientist who doesn't write poetry anymore. 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Wed, 19 Jan 2011 19:38:35 -0800 facebook and suicide http://gebalove.posterous.com/facebook-and-suicide http://gebalove.posterous.com/facebook-and-suicide Why would a person announce on a social network they are going to kill themselves?  Because they want to see if anyone actually cares.  It is the last attempt at asking for help.  Most people tend to isolate themselves from people that get sad.  Instead of getting the positive feelings which conversation and human contact can create that sad person gets emptiness and loneliness.  Some resort to cutting themselves because they can't ask for help.  Even then most times it is ignored.  Eventually everyone you care about will push you away cause you are not perfect.  Because you struggle more than most to handle the intensity of emotion.  Soon you stop trying to interact with people in person because you need to much.  The voices of the past never leave you.  School doesn't make you stronger, it rips you apart. 

You go online, interact with other digital people.  You can even live a virtual life where you can have virtual sex cause that is fun.  Soon you have no real human contacts.  One day you wake up and it hits you that you have no real friends.  You panic cause you need someone to care about you.  Things cascade, for some reason the darkness comes, you make one last ditch effort as the emotion grabs you and you swallow too many pills.  Nobody comes and your life ends. 

A single act of random in person kindness could of saved..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Wed, 19 Jan 2011 16:36:17 -0800 Letters to Asha 1. I am sure this is a dream and none of this is real. http://gebalove.posterous.com/letters-to-asha-1-i-am-sure-this-is-a-dream-a http://gebalove.posterous.com/letters-to-asha-1-i-am-sure-this-is-a-dream-a Dear Asha,

People don't need god's love to survive, they need human love.  The type that is given not because of birth right but the kind that given by pure choice.  People love to throwout pretty words about some higher power and ignore the fact that it is the love of those around them which keeps them strong.  I never wanted gods love.  I just wanted you to love me.  To believe in me.  To simply want to talk to me.  I never changed.  You just woke up one day and decided I wasn't perfect enough for you.  I could not live up to the fairytale you decided I had to be and so you washed your hands of me.  What can I do now?  Part of me wants to hurt you back emotionally so bad because I told you my stories.. and yet you were so cruel.  Another part of me says to move on.  Another part of me wishes it would feel good.  The reality that sinks in is sometimes it doesn't feel good.  Sometimes people are exactly as they are in action.  That most of us are not giving and prefer to take.  That in the details of action is the make of a person.  Problem is I am no better.  The man I dream of being is lost beneath a sea of emotion and hurt.  Strings to a life I no longer remember except for the pain that you can never seem to escape.  

I know it is my fault.  I am always too much.  I need too much.  I look in the wrong places for it.  I feel too much.  I will never know how to trust nor have the courage to try again.  It costs too much love.  You never get back what you put in.  I am becoming a recluse from this world and its people.  I don't feel safe around people.  I am trapped in a prison of my mind.  I deserved so much better than you gave me.  You deserved so much better than I gave you.

why can't I let go.  Why can't I forget you.. I want to hate you and yet all I feel is love.  The hate is only for me.  It is like I cut out my heart and left it upon the rock shores of malta...

don't worry.. I am sure this is a dream and none of this is real.  I no longer can tell the difference between real and imagined. 

Carrivagio... a broken man

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Tue, 11 Jan 2011 13:15:25 -0800 It never feels good http://gebalove.posterous.com/it-never-feels-good http://gebalove.posterous.com/it-never-feels-good I want to scream at you, I want to make you hurt like you hurt me.  I want you to feel the pain I have inside when you broke my heart.  Problem is it doesn't make me feel better.  I know this.  You always regret the anger and never regret the love.  The one thing you can never seem to get cause you don't know how to trust other people.  You have good reason for it...

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Sun, 19 Dec 2010 10:42:37 -0800 It is only logic http://gebalove.posterous.com/it-is-only-logic http://gebalove.posterous.com/it-is-only-logic They say in psych 1 negative comment = 10 positive ones in terms of how we value things.  In life you hear far more negative things than good so maybe it makes sense that we all kind of hate ourselves.  People always say let Jesus heal you... I just want a human to care for me.  I don't really give a fuck about jesus or what comes after.  That is too big for my brain to wrap itself around.  What will be will be regardless of what I think.. I have asked Jesus to heal me my whole life and so far I have not been healed whatever the fuck that means.  Can you ever heal the mistakes of the past or do they bleed in side for an eternity?  I am what I am....

I don't play into this whole bullshit about tomorrow being a better day.  Nothing will ever match the joy of youth.  Of getting to play for a team.   Waking up before a big day and planning the whole day out.  When you do well in sports you play later in the day.  When you suck you play way too early.  You want to eat 3 - 4 hours before a game so you can have to pregame poo which makes you jump higher cause you are lighter. 

It is not that I preclude the possibility of things getting better.  Maybe I am having a midlife crisis.  I am not eh first to talk about the curse of age and finding meaning in this world.  Ulysses by Tennyson was very much the same tale.  I so did not spell that right.  

Logically if life is a train I should just get off right.  I am hamlet and so I cannot for fear of what lies after.. I live because I must not because I choose to.. I live because it would hurt others if I were to give up.  I live because my dogs would miss me.  I live because they are my best friends.  I do not live for me which is maybe the problem.

Cause me is still lost in yesterday when I use to matter more.. at least in my mind... even though it all seems rather pointless as you zoom out and look at the big picture.  The math which is counter intuitive suggests otherwise.. that small things do matter which is what you tell bosses who think small things won't matter.. look at me did I use the same word twice in a sentence..

Life is a struggle between man and himself. there are days where you are glad you are not standing on a cliff because you would of taken the easy way out.  There are days when life feels worth it.. there are days where all you want to do is ask why did you make me lord..

They call me carrivagio and I can't dance 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Thu, 16 Dec 2010 03:14:12 -0800 have you ever tried to swim against the current? http://gebalove.posterous.com/have-you-ever-tried-to-swim-against-the-curre http://gebalove.posterous.com/have-you-ever-tried-to-swim-against-the-curre Have you ever tried to swim against a current?  I don't know if I have so don't feel bad if you haven't.  In another life perhaps or by observing others I have come to the conclusion that you ain't going anywhere fast if you are going into the current or into the wind in case you feel like being a plane.  Emotion kind of is like that for a lot of people.  See my bell shaped curve theorem which I just made up so it is likely a hypothesis more than a theory since it really hasn't been tested.  Maybe I will call it my logical thought experiment.. where my life is the experiment... it goes something like this..

Most people tend fall in the center where is where you would get the big boob in the middle.  I say boob meaning a bell shaped curve is only single boob friendly.  Apparently random data which in this case would be emotional range do not like more than one boob.. dam you bell and your curve.  Those who do not fall with the average tend to fall either outline which is why they are called outliners.  I am so doing a brutal job explaining stats because that is the type of information you drink heavily in university to forget.  I suppose I could google things to make sure I get every detail and fact right.  I won't though because of how wishy washy my heart really is.  How one moment I can be the most motivated person in the world and in the next I lose all confidence and give up without trying... so when it comes to me and my words if I don't get them out the door they will just die in my head.  Forgive the bad grammar and spelling.  I have good reason for the way I am.. the problem is you never get to explain it.  Nobody sits down with you and says your a little eccentric why... instead they just call you whatever, laugh and go on their way. 

I am weird I suppose.  I don't really know.  I don't much trust myself or my words these days.. ahhh.. tangent..

Where was I.. oh yah outliners.. two sides to the curve.. those with almost no emotion which must be nice on one side and those with too much emotion on the other side.  The more outliner you are the more extreme your condition.  Myself I don't know if I am an outliner or just close to the edge.  I do have an excess of emotion which is often like a river which you can fight all you want with no success.  Before you know it the emotion will overwhelm you and then everything is like swirls.. meaning emotion twists and changes things.. insecurities win out.. you get things wrong.. you make illogical assumptions ..

There really is not point to this blog post.. I suppose it is just about how sometimes in life you are focused and your heart lets you down.  How sometimes a memory can leave you in your bed lost trying to undo something that caused you pain which you can never really get over.  How you can run across the world yet you can't escape yourself.. how I wish it wasn't so hard to swim up stream. 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Thu, 09 Dec 2010 07:42:44 -0800 just words http://gebalove.posterous.com/just-words http://gebalove.posterous.com/just-words someday I will tell thee the story of jasmine.. my Asian beauty who always seemed to know truths that would take me a lifetime to find.  a girl I slept with just so she would be my friend cause all she needed me for was that moment where she felt desired.  she wasn't as horrible as I am sure I will make her sound.  we all have flaws which make us horribly human.  it is a terrible thing to be so flawed and make so many mistakes in life.  some which never really leave you as a person.  there are some wounds which will always bleed.  I remember this dark wizard in some fantasy novel who touched another wizard and gave him 5 wounds that will never heal.  Kind of what life feels like sometime.  

people will tell you all sorts of shit about how in time everything heals or jesus will heal you.. sometimes yes and sometimes no.  there are somethings in this world that will bring me to tears if I just let myself think about it for even a moment.  I have to be very careful that I don't listen to music or watch some silly tv show cause there will be that moment.  The one thing I think every person who walks alone in this world shares.. that deep utter fear of ending up alone... we all are just trying to find someone who will love us as we are in life... the thing is most people won't. 

I am cursed because I can see your feelings on your face before you even know your feeling them.  Reading people is something I have always done well.  I always sort of had to.  I was the weird kid who really never was able to fit in.  It is an emotion thing.  Emotion is a curse and a blessing.  Life is a curse and a blessing.  

there are moments when I am staring back at my life and none of it seems mine.  All of it seems like this sad kid who was just so afraid for so many good reasons.. running from himself.. and he ran all over the world.. so far has had a pretty interesting life.. you could not imagine the stories these eyes have lives.  It is a gift and a curse.. I have seen the world and have a million stories real and imagined I can tell strangers online... but can't tell a single close friend.. it is the curse of the fractured mind.. poor choices.. fear... social anxiety disorder, depression, seasonal affective disorder.. Half the problem with mental illness is you fit lots of different categories.. Life has made it difficult for me to trust people.   I have good reason not to trust others.  I could likely overcome the people problem if I could just control the emotional swings.   brain pills stop the emotional issues from manifesting themselves in physical ways..  at least most of the time.  You still have to be careful..

There in lies the curse.  You always feel like you are carrying a cup of hot coffee, standing in a row boat, in the middle of the big old ocean.  things that have memories.. like wind and you so don't want to feel those memories.. you can't cause when the dominoes fall they do not stop.. it is like you live through those moments again and again.  you see every single mistake.  You see the child who become a fucked up and screwed up man.. who lives in fear of himself.. fear of the way others affect him.. how easy it is for me, since we are talking about me carrivagio one of 13+ personalities of the mind of a crazy man.. I lose myself eat time I try to find love.. I panic all the time.. things have to be good cause if they are bad.. I am afraid of new situations.. every situation.. but I will go to great lengths to risk it all to fly across the world for just a kiss..

we are all just silly people, falling all over ourselves to find something in life.. each of us I suppose had a different dream.. I always wanted to fall in love, have kids.. life made that rather impossible..

Life is a motherfucker.. here is the best advice I can give you.... I got nothing man.. what do I know.. I am some made up character from the mind of a crazy man.. I could be real.. perhaps I must use fiction to speak the truth.. muhahaha.. 

I know why I was made this way.  In many ways we are all locked inside a whale.. afraid to play the hand life has given us..

Carrivagio.. and don't worry.. what is real these days depends upon whose eyes you are looking from.. all I want to know is that you felt something.. 

No compliments please if you like my writing.. to know about insecurity, fear and a lot of the stuff I do write about I must know a little or a lot about it.. fiction is just truth told with different characters.. think all those vegas movies which can only be told in fiction even though a lot of that stuff sometimes happens.. well not to the same extent.. you exaggerate.. hotter girls.. you end up arrested with the hiv.. but hey details..

I hate people making it seem like I am.. smart.. I use to be normal.. likely never smart but normal, then life happened and it fucked with my brain. 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Fri, 03 Dec 2010 13:00:01 -0800 emotion is like a wave http://gebalove.posterous.com/emotion-is-like-a-wave http://gebalove.posterous.com/emotion-is-like-a-wave I try to control... whatever it takes to stop the glass from tipping and emotion spilling out.  People do not understand why my eyes will always burn intense.  It has little to do with the world outside me and everything to do with the mess I am inside.  I have the emotion of a 1000 men all squished inside this ducktaped cauldron.  I got distracted.. must stop.. 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Sun, 07 Nov 2010 19:45:23 -0800 Little things that mean so much http://gebalove.posterous.com/little-things-that-mean-so-much http://gebalove.posterous.com/little-things-that-mean-so-much I don't pretend to have life figured out.  Poets rarely ever find the way past the poem to happiness.  It is the curse of those who are given the gift of words.  Like most thing insight comes at a price and that price is never really being able to figure out the emotion of love.  Even though I may never know what love means I do know a little about how to show people you care and it is not found in big things.  When someone truly cares for you even just as a friend they won't forget your birthday.  When you have a job interview they will text you good luck.  When you are going through a tough time they won't throw their hands in the air and say I cannot help you, instead they will take the time to remind you of the good inside you.  This world will tell you why you should hate yourself and friends will tell you why you should love yourself.  Don't ask me how I know this because I know nothing for certain.  I am not even real.  Just a bunch of bits.. computer code.  Don't look to the web for human connection.. there is more power in a random act of kindness than anything you could get online. 

If life for you is hard right now.. fight.. not because I can give you a reason.. not because of some silly promise it could get better but because it is what we must.. even if it is to piss off someone.. :) at the end of the day if knowing your smile will piss someone off.. if it gets you to another day.. then piss people off.. muahahaha..

They call me carrivagio.. I am a poet that does write poetry..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Thu, 28 Oct 2010 17:48:09 -0700 Stephen Hawkings is right and the pope is... http://gebalove.posterous.com/stephen-hawkings-is-right-and-the-pope-is http://gebalove.posterous.com/stephen-hawkings-is-right-and-the-pope-is Why do we need the perfect story in the bible?  Whey do we need a perfect ever after?  Could you actually know good without evil, light without dark or is it the contrast between the two which makes us appreciate or dislike each?  See that is the illogical thing about heaven.   This idea that their could be a place where everyone is happy and everything is perfect.  What is perfect?  How could a life without struggle be fun?  The idea of going to some place where you spend all your time worshiping someone seems rather boring.  Is god really that insecure that he needs people to worship him? 

Forgive the rant but my mind and body are alive with emotion.  Emotion at the fact the pope said Stephen Hawkings is wrong and then suggested that science is here to prove the existence of god or something along those lines.  Leave it to me to forget the exact quote and be too lazy to go find the article.  Fuck the article and fuck all these rich old men dressed in robes that could be used to warm a poor person, wearing gold that could be used to feed a poor person.  Isn't it sad that we need objects to believe in god.  We need big idols of gold and perfect looking old men dressed in beautiful clothes drinking out of a gold cup to worship that homeless bum jesus?  Does it strike anyone as odd?  Or are you like everyone else who simply does not question the things other people tell you?  Who never has the courage to think for themselves.  Who needs a book touched by some of the most corrupt men in history to tell you how to think? 

If you are stop being stupid.  If you looked at the story of Jesus logically you know he would have nothing to do with these so called men of god who have made religion into a billion dollar business.  

Why oh why does god curse me with this world and stupid people?  Truth must evolve.  Thus to look at the bible as a source of truth is kind of like growing up and still thinking Santa Claus is real.  As your understanding of the world evolves so too must all your truths.  The problem with religious people isn't that they don't have the ability to think for themselves it is they are too scared to think for themselves.  EVOLVE.. this is not the time of christ when men could not read or write.  Our understanding of the world has evolved as has some of our intelligence.. meaning a book cannot contain truth because words in print are static and truth is alive. 

Do you honestly think god would trust men with his words?  Come on you can't be that stupid?  Look to nature and your own heart if you want to know right from wrong and were you fit in this world.  Don't look to a book or some MAN dressed in gold.  The pope has no inside knowledge about god.  Nobody does cause at the end of the day....

DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES....

This means none of us has a clue what happens when we die.  WE HOPE...
PS... if you want to call Steven Hawkings wrong pope.. then maybe show people you can do the higher level math that it takes to understand this world beyond surface detail. 

SCIENCE doesn't conform to religion.. religion conforms to science

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Thu, 28 Oct 2010 00:51:57 -0700 I shall never speak of god again... http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-shall-never-speak-of-god-again http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-shall-never-speak-of-god-again It is not for me.. it is for those whose whole lives are built in this fragile idea of religion.. whose identity is only found within a book which promises them some pretty story... I do not have the heart any more to take away something that makes them happy.. even if it is a tool that cause so many to be unhappy.. even if it is a tool to keep the poor happy being poor..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Mon, 18 Oct 2010 16:17:57 -0700 Could this blog be anymore depressing? http://gebalove.posterous.com/could-this-blog-be-anymore-depressing http://gebalove.posterous.com/could-this-blog-be-anymore-depressing It is a perfectly serious question.  Does this blog make you feel better about yourself or does it make you want to blow your head off?  Not that you could blow a head off, even if you huffed and puffed all day I think your head would stay attached.  I should know I am tall and have hit my head on the top of just about anything that was made too dam short.  Why do people hate tall folks?  Everybody makes things for midgets even though we are getting taller as a world... dam you short people.. it is revenge.. of the midget. 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Sun, 17 Oct 2010 18:34:30 -0700 my heart is uneasy http://gebalove.posterous.com/my-heart-is-uneasy http://gebalove.posterous.com/my-heart-is-uneasy It is the dull pain that gives away to the humor I use to hide my pain.  When I am funniest I am saddest.  It is the way of the broken mind.  We do not have the words to express the shear brokeness of our souls.. the way old pain often never goes away because we can really never forgive ourselves for it.  Forgiving other people in life is not nearly as hard as forgiving yourself for mistakes you made cause you were stupid and fucked up at no fault of your own.  It is the curse you see of the mind that can never let go because how many of us have someone whose arms we can cry in?  I don't.. I never will so my pain will always live deep within me always threatening to rip me apart...

Don't worry I am not real.. 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Sat, 16 Oct 2010 19:49:38 -0700 things I can never seem to say http://gebalove.posterous.com/things-i-can-never-seem-to-say http://gebalove.posterous.com/things-i-can-never-seem-to-say When you see insecurity in a man's eyes, just take his face in your hands, look him in the eyes, smile, say I love you just the way you are, and then kiss him.  after whisper something sexy in his ear like you have the biggest ...er feet I have ever seen, and are the best lover I have ever had.  different is not an answer.  men think in linear ways.  ME.. because this is the secret to the thing they call the man.  Never trust 5 billion years of slut DNA because he is built to be a dog.  Avoid the situation is the secret of life ladies.. muahahaha

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Sat, 16 Oct 2010 14:18:31 -0700 I hate you and I do not know you http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-hate-you-and-i-do-not-know-you http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-hate-you-and-i-do-not-know-you It is so much easier to hate than forgive.  Trust me.. look around you next time you are in a public place and I bet you could imagine a reason to hate people without ever having to talk to them.  You can point out why you are so much better and ignore the ways you are not so you feel all nice and wonderful.   At least until you get home, look in the mirror, feel the silence and loniness wrap around your heart and rip it apart.  Lucky this world has the internet, TV, radio and the old fav masturbation to distract you that all you can hear is the ways the world tells you to hate yourself.. even though you might of liked who you are...  welcome to my world.. and imagined one..

this is not real, so you can go asleep and not worry.  life is flowers pedals and other such fun.. as for me.. I still hate you.. dickwad

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Sat, 16 Oct 2010 03:14:27 -0700 family is the worst http://gebalove.posterous.com/family-is-the-worst-0 http://gebalove.posterous.com/family-is-the-worst-0 don't ever suffer mental illness and let your family know.  they are like the worst people ever as is most friends.  all you ask for is kindness and you get ignorance.  the wounds I suffer the worst are from the people who are suppose to love me but can't because a simple act of kindness to a broken person is beyond most people... family.. friends.. what would of it taken to say happy birthday me after I had .. stories for another time.. in another life where I matter.. I will never want to spend another day with anyone I call family ... I want just enough money to pay my debts and take my dogs far far away from this place and then act as if it was and is will never be...

remember this is not real.. so don't worry.. sleep tight.. you can pretend the world is wonderful..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Thu, 14 Oct 2010 17:10:27 -0700 The panic inside I can never seem to shake http://gebalove.posterous.com/the-panic-inside-i-can-never-seem-to-shake http://gebalove.posterous.com/the-panic-inside-i-can-never-seem-to-shake I hate waking up in the morning.  It is when my heart is at its worse full of emotion, wild and unending.  It usually takes me half the day to get to feeling normal.  Normal for me is sitting upright working on videos or blogs.  I don't have a job because I am afraid to apply for the jobs I would be good at.  I am afraid to call back employers who call me.  I am afraid that I will leave my house and then be faced with the deafening loneliness that I cannot handle.  I will end up on a bus coming home with panic in my heart needing to email the few people who still care to no I am alive.. the one person who is not family that cares if I am still alive or at least that is the lie I tell myself.  If I am telling the truth then I have to admit that half the time I don't ever get on my feet during the day.  How sometimes I end up taking some pills which make me tired and numb the chaos inside.  I wish I could tell a real person.. not any person though.. Guys like me always have a few people that can make them feel better.  I hate it though.. because you are always dependent on them for your happiness.. you become like a burden.  Even when you write you end up writing too much because you are uncertain of your words.. you go over each word a 100 times.. imagine every possible perspective and then choose the worst one which makes you panic and write again.  People wonder why people kill themselves.. it is because sometimes you just want to escape yourself..

There is no cure for what I got.  I know you won't believe me cause most people think you can fix everything.  These people don't have what I got.  The only time I am really normal inside is when I am far away from the place I call home.  At home I take brain pills to stop the emotional stress from becoming physical.  I take gravol to numb my brain so I don't think about sad things and I smoke pot to help me get past my fear of everything.  I can't tell anyone this because you will use it against me.  It will change how you see me, how you treat me, everything... and when I look at you all I will see is the freak reflected in my eyes.. cause you will treat me like a freak which is how the media portrays people like me.  At first this would make me angry but after awhile I just start to see myself as a freak when I look in the mirror.. in time all I can see myself is the worst version of me.

They call me Carrivagio.. I am not real.. so you do not have to worry.  You can go on and live your life.  However someday you will meet someone like me who is real.  Maybe when you do don't try to give them simple answers.. don't try to give them answers at all.. just let them cry.. let them speak.. let them cry in your arms.. because that is all people who are like Carrivagio want.. just someone who will listen to their story.  Of course you won't because people never want to hear sad stories.. instead they will reject you causing you to fall further down the rabbit hole.

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Sat, 09 Oct 2010 14:50:29 -0700 The hardest part about depression is how people react to it. http://gebalove.posterous.com/the-hardest-part-about-depression-is-how-peop http://gebalove.posterous.com/the-hardest-part-about-depression-is-how-peop I have dealt with mental illness my whole life.  I call it when nature and nurture fuck with your brain.  Nature being the genetic side which is just my body producing less serotonin than other people.   Nurture because at times life has not been fun.  At times when I was young life was like an atomic bomb inside.  I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, sever depression and social anxiety disorder.  I call it having a fractured mind because their is no cure for what I got.  In some ways I will always be a little and a lot broken inside.  It is something I am able to joke about on youtube through the use of a fictional narrative but in real life it is something you never ever ever ever want to bring up in conversation with anyone.  I suppose that is the hardest part because without having a way to release the pain.. to talk it out because people change how they look at you when they find out.  People that are very smart become very stupid when it comes to mental illness.  We live in a world of if you can't see it, it doesn't exist. 

I remember starting my old job working for my uncle selling software.  When I started I was taking effexor which didn't solve my problems, it just stopped the emotional stress from manifesting itself in physical ways.  This allowed me to get out of the house and be an effective member of society and pretty good sales person.  I was making 60 calls a day, increasing sales, getting to travel and everything was wonder.  Wonderful until I let it slip to my boss (uncle) that I took effexor.  He proceeded to make me feel bad for that and so I stopped taking them.  It was like waking up and being in a new body.  My emotions were all over the map, I started to have panic attacks before I would call people or even do sales trips.  On the road free of the reminders of Edmonton which mentally I find to be like a prison I was able to deal with things but when I returned home getting out of bed and out the door was hell.  Half the time I never made it to work.  Over a period of 3 years I went from being really good at sales to simply having trouble getting to work.  Around the time of the recession things got really bad.  In the parking lot of where I worked my boss berated me for suffering from depression saying it wasn't real the most hurtful thing you can ever say to a person.  My arms and chest are covered in scars because it was the only way to get people to understand what I was feeling was not normal. 

Finally I decided to go back on effexor.  I quit my job at the worst time to quit a job and basically became a hermit rarely leaving my house.  See the myth people have is drugs can cure you which is laughable.  Drugs for me help you manage the problem.. the hard part about finding the right drugs is the fact that often it is trial and error.  Meaning you start off trying one drug and then if that doesn't work well or the side effects are too sever you have to switch drugs.  The problem with Paxil was I could never achieve orgasm.  You want to make a guy last forever give him Paxil.  The hard part about switching drugs is the time you get up enough courage to go get drugs is when things are at their worst.  Usually you don't go to a doctor and say I need help until you are pretty much suicidal.  This is why the drugs can have a negative effect because if the chemical balance gets too messed up then you might be worse off than before.. and if before was I want to blow my brains out.. you get the picture.  I suppose I have been lucky in that it only took me a few different tries to get what seems to work in effexor.. however the damage to my life has already been done in many ways. 

The secret I have found at least for me is to avoid certain variables.  I don't date and will never date again.  The emotion of love is a million times stronger in me and the thing they don't tell you about love is it will show you how you are broken inside.  I don't watch sappy movies.. I don't watch movies with parents with kids.  I know it might be extreme but anything is better to laying in your bed and not being able to get out of it.  Now I am not going to say the love issue is entirely about depression.  A lot of that comes from my inability to trust people from one single experience when I was young.  Maybe it is the loneliness which is the hardest of all.  The fact that I will never be able to have a close friend or ever trust someone enough to talk honestly about how I feel inside.  How I wake up everyday and think about death.. the only difference now is I am able to get up in the morning and at least try to build a life.  I am able to go out and try to find work although getting work right now is not always easy.  I am able to go online and learn some computer basics in hopes of turning that into a career where hopefully someday I can move to a warmer climate with more sunlight.

Most people get the winter blues.. I get a depressive episode.  Xmas is the worst.  I can't even be around people during that time of year because to see my sisters with their kids is too hard for me to deal with.  The dreams we will never have.  The sad part about this blog post is even these words cannot convey what it means to suffer from mental illness.  When things go bad you basically stop living.. you don't pay bills, you don't go to work.. you are afraid to go outside because random events are like the wind and you are the first domino teetering towards oblivion.. when one things go wrong things cascade quickly.. It is the reason why relations fail.. as soon as one thing goes wrong you end up panicing.. you become desperate afraid the person will leave you and that very action causes the person to leave.. which just confirms the self hate that you are not lovable.  Even more fun is how you end up going over every event in your life over and over again trying to figure out when things when wrong.. so next time you won't make the same mistake.. of course the mistake you made was believing someone could love you enough so you could love yourself.. but it isn't so easy.. love like the tale of the 2 sides of the arch.. meaning you have to be able to stand on your own two feet before you can come together and be stronger.  If you can't do that like I can't in relationships then you become dependent on another person to make you happy which isn't fair and a horrible way to live life.  Instead of enjoying the relationship you end up afraid all the time..

Forgive me if I am rambling.. someday I will write a book on the subject.... the one thing I would like to leave you with is most people, 99% of people who suffer from mental illness you would not know looking at them.  In fact we are often the best actors in the world... which by the way is another issue because you don't really know who you are.. you end up just trying to be like everyone else so nobody knows.. you learn to never talk about depression.. or ever let anyone know.. which destroys you inside.. The reason is people get mad at you for being depressing.. they say oh it is just how you are thinking.. or they say let jesus heal you.. like it is such an easy thing.. the faith thing bothers me the most because if you don't instantly let Jesus heal you whatever the fuck that means people will get mad at you and then close the book on you.. religious people are the absolute worst when it comes to this stuff.. they think you should be like them, act like them, be healed like them.. the only problem is they don't have the memories I do.. the images of failure.. the broken relationships.. the moments when you are laying in bed watching the blood drip across your skin.  The days when you are almost catatonic.. the body scared inside and out by anything.. booze, drugs legal and illegal where you just are trying to find a single moment of peace.. the fear of silence.. of never being able to fall asleep without taking too many pills, falling asleep without knowing if you wake up.. waking up and having to convince yourself to get out of bed and not kill yourself..

I know you might think I should talk to someone professionally which I have done more than once.. the problem is you have to be a little stupid for therapy to work.  I am not stupid even though my grammar and spelling suck.  pain is also intelligence because the way I see the world nobody else sees it.. a gift and a curse.. one I would not wish on anyone.. one that will always make me wish I had never been.. I know this sounds drastic and I am sure when you read these words you might worry.. don't.. I am not going to kill myself.. I am just never going to be able to have the dreams I wanted.. my goal is simple.. to earn enough doing blogs, vlogs, web design and such if I ever learn how to build websites so I can move to the tropics.  The sunlight causes my body to release more vitamin D which increases serotinin which lessens the chances of another depressive episode... and hopefully then I can start to let go of some of the pain.. here is edmonton I don't dare touch pandora's box.. here in edmonton I just seek stability enough to hold down a job.. and I have my dogs and cats.. it is strange because in someways I can't handle human affection.. my little niece came over the other day and she made me watch a movie with her while she sat on my knee.. it messed me up for a week after that because of dreams that I cannot have.. it would not be fair to have a child when I can barely take care of myself.. animals are different..

If you want to know what you can do when someone tells you they are suffering from depression.. shut up, don't judge.. don't offer answers just listen.. a single conversation can reduce suicide by 50%.. which makes sense because most times you just feel like you want to cry, sob, get all the hurt out.. but you never feel safe so you never do.. and it turns inwards.. it never leaves.. by then you simply can't because you don't know if you will be able to handle it.. when they look to you for answers all you can do is point them in the right direction.. always be positive with the person.. remind them of the good in them.. don't ever assume that what worked for you will work for them.. and for god sake hug them.. as much as you can.. cause the best words are the words you don't speak.. and lastly realize that you are not responsible for them.. you could do everything in the world and it still might not be enough.. sometimes there is pain in this world which never heals.. sometimes all a person wants is a moments peace.. wants to forget.. to be anything but what they are.. and sadly suicide too often seems like the only answer.. emotion is such a curse sometimes because it makes the illogical seem logical..

anyways been fun.. off to play with my dogs.. and don't worry.. I tell these stories for you.. so you might understand.. don't worry about me.. life is a motherfucker.. yes.. but it won't beat me and I have the gift of perspective.. if a person with nothing in Africa can walk 10 km's for water, knowing they might get killed or raped then I can get out of bed each morning and keep on battling..

don't forget to subscribe..

they call me carrivagio.. I am a poet that doesn't write poetry anymore.. I use to be normal until love, depression and stupid people fucked with my brain.. muahaha

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith Fri, 17 Sep 2010 23:16:12 -0700 I will try to be nice http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-will-try-to-be-nice http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-will-try-to-be-nice you need to get what I am saying so I don't have to say it. do you understand.  First off being a catorer fuck.. I cannot spell starts at the moment the dream is formed in your mind.  A business is like the child you will both love and hate.  You actually have a fairly good setup in terms of tony is a numbers person.  Paper work is everything.  Do it, get er done as they say in some really bad movies. 

Do you know what it is like to be smarter than everyone?  I know that you can and should be able to get $10 000 a year just by running a good feed.  I figure that would take 2 years of an email a week of you simply cooking dinner.  Do you cook dinner now?  It is as stupid simple as a cam to computer to ustream, to youtube, twitter, blogger and facebook.  Imagine that your plan is to be a catorer.. fucken thing.. I cannot spell.  sometime in the future.  Achieving that means accomplishing a number of goals.  Each single step is a story.  It is your story from idea to creation just like each meal is a chance to teach people how to cook tasty foods.  Just once a week cook a meal.  That is all you have to do. 

and I will never send this to my sister.. I have no confidence in myself.. my words.. 7 years of working for a man who ripped what .. it is like that when I apply for jobs.. I am too scared to apply to the ones I would be perfect at.  I guess I hope they will find me online.. see my words and be moved to give me a chance.  Don't mind me and my mentally ill ways.  I am a one man, one person social marketer who can do it all from video to twitter, to blogger, to pictures and tell a story, your businesses story.  I can build you the infrastructure each department, each franchise, each person, each kid wanting to build something.. a social resume but it doesn't matter.  it is all about a degree.. not that I would have the courage to ever know how to put myself out there.. not here in edmonton..

We hear the words of doubt more life than the words of love.. it takes 9 good things to equal 1 bad.. no wonder we hate ourselves. 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/users/15VJynxOvPr Carrivagio Smith Carr Carrivagio Smith