a fractured mind... http://gebalove.posterous.com Most recent posts at a fractured mind... posterous.com Thu, 26 Nov 2009 16:38:01 -0800 Everyone wants to give me advice http://gebalove.posterous.com/everyone-wants-to-give-me-advice http://gebalove.posterous.com/everyone-wants-to-give-me-advice Why do people think they know me... If I want to talk about how I feel I get people saying I want poor me... as if they have any fuckin clue about my life.. maybe I just need to get it out.. need to say what I feel.. this is why I never look at the comments in gebalove because it is always someone thinking they know my life better than me... Always have to lie to people.. just one place I want in this world to give my fears..pain...irrational thoughts..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Mon, 23 Nov 2009 12:27:44 -0800 Chronicles of a fractured mind: Tuesday http://gebalove.posterous.com/chronicles-of-a-fractured-mind-tuesday http://gebalove.posterous.com/chronicles-of-a-fractured-mind-tuesday I think today is tuesday.  I have not slept.  My heart is a mess.. I wake up.. or open my eyes and turn on my laptop hoping to see a name in my inbox.. I do not.. I feel forgotten.. Any will I might had seems to fall by the side of the road and stepped on.. The silence within my world echoes with the evidence of my life... I am not worth anything... A simple truth...I cannot ignore... I have lost faith in anything... in life... I look around me and it seems so uninspiring.. I just wish I could sleep for the next year.. I wish my heart would heal.. but it won't... it will always remember..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:45:02 -0800 You should read this..- this is god...my next video http://gebalove.posterous.com/you-should-read-this-this-is-godmy-next-video http://gebalove.posterous.com/you-should-read-this-this-is-godmy-next-video There is two ways we can do this.  Does it bother ou that my video responses get far more views than yours.  First off it is cause you woman think all that crap matters to us.. we do as much as it takes to get laid.  That is the logical choice.  You think love.. men are pretty much infuenced greatly by evolutionary effects of my penis gets hard and I feel no wrong.. this rush goes over me.. I am in heat.. doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend or not... all you have to do is find the cracks.. as soon as she complains your dick is in there.. but it is a trap... cause you can never trust her cause you know there are guys who are better than you and sometimes girls are stupid too.. the alpha male.. the one who stands confidently is more attractive..

Religion is funny to me cause if you watch TV Christians in space shows are fucken nutcases who have their faith challenged by enemies..bible said we look like him not think like him... dam can you imagine the emails he must get.. creating a perfect equation with some univeral constants.. you cannot see god in that.... the proof of a higher power is in the math.. but you all fight over silly stuff.. because flawed men are the cost of choice.. an animal is never evil, it is instincual.. we understand a damaged heart of animal as the product of man....dogs are like guys.. we just want to play and generally girls are the favorite chew toy.. we fail as a word because we forget gods greatest lession.. be kind to others, enemies.. be kind to all... we are so lost in our greed, our comercialism.. we have destroyed so muh of gods church...so many innocent animals dies because we are simply careful..to me that was the native peoples fault in canada cause we made sure they had lots of guns and drugs cause it is profitable....and shuts them up...

We argue and find differences because it is easier than a simple act of kindness.. but the only end to all these silly wars.. these silly fights starts with a simple act of kindness

but it won't happen cause men always need to show they have the bigger dick..

It is easier for us to kill than it is to simply be humble enough to say I am sorry...because in war their is rarely one wrong party.. it is two dumb men at the top who simply cannot get along..

Kindness is god speaking to us.. telling us the bible is about being kind to others.. the koran is about being kind to others.. budism is about being kind to others as is hindusim and so many others... find what is the same and there begins a friendship....

that is god..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:42:13 -0800 Chronicles of a fractured mind: Sunday http://gebalove.posterous.com/chronicles-of-a-fractured-mind-sunday http://gebalove.posterous.com/chronicles-of-a-fractured-mind-sunday Today is another day when I wake up wishing I could just sleep through the day.  Later I am going to get some booze to try to drown out the voices in my head... I struggle with the evidence of my life...I try to drown them out with noise but my lonliness is too deafening.. strangers on youtube are kinder to me.. give more to me than those who know me... it makes it worse cause how come those who know me can't even send an email saying how am I doing.. I am turning inwards.. unable to ever let myself get close to anyone again.. new people try to talk to me but I cannot get close to anyone again.. I am too wrecked inside... See not anyone can cure the lonliness, it is the people who are in your life.. the people.. fuck I don't care anymore.. I need to drink excessivily... until I feel nothing inside...it is the only joy I have...

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Sun, 22 Nov 2009 01:39:14 -0800 Chronicles of a fractured mind - Saturday Night http://gebalove.posterous.com/chronicles-of-a-fractured-mind-saturday-night http://gebalove.posterous.com/chronicles-of-a-fractured-mind-saturday-night Good world.. she still has not written.. I think it is me.. even though I do not know what I could of said.. but when your me you always start and end with you...cause it is always me that is the problem.. I do not have the courage or self trust to be able to call out someone else.. or maybe doing that would mean truths I am not ready to face... maybe I do not trust myself but the cruel truth of all is I have to wake up tomorrow and go through the same self doubt and madness all over again...

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Sat, 21 Nov 2009 11:37:52 -0800 Chronicles of a fractured mind - Saturday part 2 http://gebalove.posterous.com/chronicles-of-a-fractured-mind-saturday-part http://gebalove.posterous.com/chronicles-of-a-fractured-mind-saturday-part If they had drugs you could take to stop all emotion in me I would likely cure cancer.. the hardest part of depression is the time you lose.. and the fact people don't ever understand what depression is... they think it is how you think.. the same people who don't think you can change cancer.. think depression is not real.  It is an illness you fools.. emotion makes us all do things.. well what if you had a wterfall of emotion like on a teater totter and what if it went back and forth.. and you were a slave to it.. well that is how depression works for me.. one second I can conquer the world.. usually when I fall asleep.. and in the mornings I think I am the most worthless person in the world.. and you spend the whole day trying to get back to believing your worthwhile... but then it is time to go to bed and your usually locked in the grips of your vices.. I just feel like giving up.. cause I am never going to be normal.. I am never going to be able to have a relationship... my madness has gotten worse with age... because it is harder to trust life.. harder to find a reason to fight... for a man the best years of your life are when you were young and agile.. and being physical meant something but as you get older their is no point... the thrill of life is gone.. there are no more battles to be fought.. the romance of the world is lost..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Sat, 21 Nov 2009 11:15:11 -0800 Chronicles of a fractured mind - Saturday http://gebalove.posterous.com/chronicles-of-a-fractured-mind-saturday http://gebalove.posterous.com/chronicles-of-a-fractured-mind-saturday I know she is really busy and that is why she doesn't write much.. 4th year law and she is always like this during exams.  Locks herself away from the world but it hurts still.  Why doesn't she just say hey I am busy for the next few weeks.. but I don't know how to express my feelings on this because I don't know what is right or wrong.. I don't really have any self confidence in that matter.. reltionships of any kind stress me out.. I wish I did not feel lonely.. the mornings are the worst.. the way I wake up and one event can shape my day.. how before it starts the day is determined. I want to go back to bed but I have to get up.. my back hurts.. from laying down watching movies but I can't face life.. it is too much..so today will be another day lost to the claws of madness in my fractured mind.  they call me igebadia and I suffer from depression

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:34:13 -0800 I want to sleep the day away http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-want-to-sleep-the-day-away http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-want-to-sleep-the-day-away It is another one of those days when I can't face the lonliness of my life.. I took some pills to sleep... I just want this day to end before it started.. I need to get out of edmonton.. I need to find my way out of north america, a continent without heart where everything is about function, not beauty..  hopefully the sleep will come soon...

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:16:47 -0800 waiting to die http://gebalove.posterous.com/waiting-to-die http://gebalove.posterous.com/waiting-to-die I don't know why I still struggle to live.. I can barely make it through the day without vices.. when there is no sun in the sky there is nno happiness in me.  My mood changes with the seasons.. all  want is a fresh start away from this place where my sadness is strongest.  another winter, another christmas, another new years alone..  always alone.. depression and my childhood coming together.. all I want is a chance to break free of the chains the wrack my heart.. all I want is to wake up and feel excited for the day to come// but alas that is a dream.. I cannot remember the last time I truly felt any joy.. I hate you god for making me this way.. a fractured mind..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:03:54 -0800 Only bad thoughts http://gebalove.posterous.com/only-bad-thoughts http://gebalove.posterous.com/only-bad-thoughts People wonder what depression is like.. well the effect of depression is a whole series of events which all lead to one place.. I suck...which is why I do a lot of my videos..  Just the other day I got an email from a 14 teen year old boy who said nobody believes him.  I told him to find someone to talk to like the school counciller... plus I described many of the pitfalls which I am too lazy to describe here..cause I am drunk in the morning... I tried to explain to him that pills help lesson the emotional up and downs but they don't cure the scars that are left from your time locked in the madness... the reason why I drink...see I lay in my bed and imagine the sadest possible outcome to everything.. I don't know how to have happy thoughts..  I wish I was stupid but this whole week I have not had one message from the person I have tried so hard to win her affection.. logically I know she is not a net person and is really busy in exams but it does not matter cause my insecurities are far stronger... where I beleive it is me.. that I am not worth anything.. I cannot even imagine someone loving me.. I know I will never let anyone get close enough to care for me.. I just can't.. It is the curse of a fractured mind...

they call me igebadia.. I am going to drink some more and then take some pills to help me sleep...

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:37:16 -0800 Are you afraid of life... http://gebalove.posterous.com/are-you-afraid-of-life http://gebalove.posterous.com/are-you-afraid-of-life

I just wish I could start over.. you know do life again but have the knowledge I have now.. maybe not.. but part of me hopes that their is another world.. where things get to go differently.  I took some pills to make me sleep.. I do this sometimes.. it is 11 AM.. my back is in pain.. but the problem is I am so bloody bored.  Most people like sleep.. me it is simply an escape from time.  My life in a nutshell is I get up.. check to see if anyone I know emailed me. 90% of the time it is spam.. and now that I have taken a break from doing videos I don't even have youtube comments not that they are real.  For us the lonely they are often a poor persons heroin for the soul.. but it is not real.. these people don't know you, they only know what I let them see and when you put a camera on us we are all different.. people call me couragous.. I get emails saying I inspire people..  Just here in this place edmonton.. I look outside and I find no hope.. I am looking for a job.. but it matters little if I must stay here.. I just want to be free of the wieght of debt.. I would be happy in a small hut by the side of the ocean where I could wake up and see the sun.. I am like superman in that I need the sun.... I would throw on a pair of shorts... lay in the waves for 30 minutes.. take a shower and head to work.. that would be the life for me.. but to do that I have to beat my fractured mind, my duck taped heart and keep at this blog and video stuff. I just don't want to go back to youtube.. it makes me lose faith in humanity.. the darkness that permeates the web troubles me.. you more often than not see the dark parts of people's soul..

Ihate my stories.. the guy ones but I just want to tell my story.. my life all of it once. I want one person to truly know me.. I just wish it didn't have to be on youtube.. just how else to find a way to my dreams... there are few jobs for a person with no degree even though I would suggest I know more about social networks than those teaching it in university.. I remember they made this big deal about this stanford professor writing a book on it and the thing is the real experts on social netowrks likely have not had sex yet..

Anyways I am off to take a nap... This is my kitty.. simaris.. he is my knight.. when I am sad he always keeps me company.. my dogs on the other hand always make me smile with how much they love to play with me.. even though I usually end up something they stand on...

Remember get your penis checked every 6 months.. last thing you want to do is kill someone you love because you were a coward.. last thing you want to do is harm your penis.. they call me http://youtube.com/gebalove 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:48:00 -0800 Depression 101: Wrenches http://gebalove.posterous.com/depression-101-wrenches http://gebalove.posterous.com/depression-101-wrenches

Sometimes getting up is the worst fate of all when you suffer from depression because just when you see a little light, life throws a wrench and knocks you on your ass...

Show off your vanity URL's in your facebook fanpage... http://cybersweetness.com

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:44:08 -0800 Trying to find the energy to keep going http://gebalove.posterous.com/trying-to-find-the-energy-to-keep-going http://gebalove.posterous.com/trying-to-find-the-energy-to-keep-going The task at hand is a large one.  I have to reach inside myself and find the strength to make my dreams happen... it is not an easy thing to do.  In 2 months I have to beat my addictions, I have to turn each of my blogs into a success by being engaging enough to get people to read them.  I have to get all my 9 youtube channels to partner and hope to hell that is enough money where I am able to move to malta where I can start my new life.  I am tried of living in Edmonton, a place I am unhappy in.  I want to wake up each morning with a purpose.  I want my life to matter, to be able to say when I am old that I left this world a better place than when I found it.  The problem is the enormity of the task sometimes is daunting and online is a cruel place full of cruel people.  Maybe it is my fault... on youtube you have to push the limits.. it actually is a really sad commentary on our world how to get views on youtube you have to appeal to the lowest common denominator...

One foot in front of the other...

they call me igebadia.. http://youtube.com/gebalove please subscribe and help me reach for the stars.. gosh that is cheezy.. but what the heck.,..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:55:05 -0800 The things we don't want to admit... http://gebalove.posterous.com/the-things-we-dont-want-to-admit http://gebalove.posterous.com/the-things-we-dont-want-to-admit In a moment when the sadness goes away you go to a mall and with all the care in the world you make a care package for a girl who is starting school again.. you pay $80 to send it to her... and then 3 months later you get a package in the male with COD for $80... it is the package.. your mom is there.. you say it likely got stopped at the boarder.. the guy says no it just wasn't picked up at the post office.. things are good with the girl.. and she is a chaotic crazy personality that.. am I just making excuses for the fact that the woman I love always walk all over me.. people say you will find someone else.. but I don't ever want to know another girl.. not intimately.. this is the story of my life.. as I tell my tales you shall see how I always get walked all over by girls.. how they all treat me the same way... they look inside and see a broken man and it is my fault.. I do not have the courage to stand up for myself.. now I need to go put on a brave face.. if you choose to comment please know this is something I cannot respond to.. this I need to get out and lock away inside.. or it will send me... to my bed wondering about life.. I feel the sadness coming.. the dominos...

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Mon, 09 Nov 2009 13:44:56 -0800 Depression 101: Slave to your emotion http://gebalove.posterous.com/depression-101-slave-to-your-emotion http://gebalove.posterous.com/depression-101-slave-to-your-emotion I made this video about depression and how often it is like a domino effect.

This was a comment made by a tuber:

"Seems like you understand the way your mind works and your thought processes...
I think having that knowledge should be able to help you overcome it.
Because you know that you think that way, so when you chose the "wrong" option, you should make yourself think about your thought processes and then counter that 'wrong' thought with a more probable healthy thought.
Then with practice, overcoming small things, you can eventually overcome the bigger things and live a more relatively normal life"

Sadly this is all too often the belief when it comes to depression.  Here is my video response to that comment.

They call me igebadia... http://youtube.come/gebalove    http://cybersweetness.com

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Sat, 07 Nov 2009 09:38:00 -0800 I do not want to fall asleep... http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-do-not-want-to-fall-asleep http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-do-not-want-to-fall-asleep


Here I sit at 10 am in the morning.  It is time to go to bed for me because this is the pattern my life without a job has taken.  I have 2 months left to find my way back to the emotional stability to find a job that pays $2500 take home a month or bad things will happen.  People look at me and think I am fine.  The tree only falls in the forest when we see it fall.  They do not see the inner struggle inside.  The way I reduced my world to places, things and actions that will not cause me emotion.  How I never listen to music, some movies I cannot watch and outside is a place that terrifies me.  It is crazy right.  What sane person would act such ways?  But I am not a sane person.  I am a man who looks at everything with fear... always asking is this a variable that will lead me to that very, very dark place. 

How can I get job when I cannot find enough will power in me to get up and go outside?  How can I work in an office when I am terrified of people because I know my emotions will lie to me and I will over react or under react or not react.  Everything I say.. I write.. I do.. I over analyze because so often in life I have been so wrong. 

I have no answers.. there are no pills...I pray an angel shows me the way... you know the hardest part... it is I just need the right people to believe in me.. to tell me.. the one thing I have noticed is how so rarely in life do we bother to tell people they are amazing.... at least nobody does to me.. the right people I should say... it is always the right people.. the people we attach worth too...

I have no answers.. so I lay here afraid to go to sleep cause waking up at 10 pm... looking at the dark world is a special kind of hell... almost as bad as looking at the world at 8 am and realizing you don't matter... not in anyway that makes you smile...

So I will watch farscape.. I really bad scifi show on itunes.. that I have not seen... if you know me... I guess the way to think about it is when you date a girl she will never tell you what is wrong because if you had cared you would of known.. once she tells you it is too late....this blog is for me... I do not want your help... but I do think the cousin I never met rocks.. about the only member of my family I feel that way about...


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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Sat, 07 Nov 2009 09:11:00 -0800 Depression 101: The Domino Effect http://gebalove.posterous.com/depression-101-the-domino-effect-tag-mcnair-s http://gebalove.posterous.com/depression-101-the-domino-effect-tag-mcnair-s

http://www.youtube.com/AsathecomicTV2 said about 'Suicidal Tweets + Rhianna Goes Rated R!

This is igebadia's take at gebalove...

I have a fractured mind....  they call me igebadia http://youtube.com/gebalove

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Sat, 31 Oct 2009 06:30:44 -0700 I have found peace http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-have-found-peace http://gebalove.posterous.com/i-have-found-peace Sometimes it takes a friend being cruel to truly love you.  There have been two woman in my life who loved me enough to be cruel so I might find my way.  See happiness cannot be found in another.  Happiness can only be found when it is found within us.  When we start to take control of our lives and look inside us for strength.  I am starting to find that... something inside me which I had lost.  Will.. but for at least moment I have will inside me and so I have hope.  Today I turned down sex.  It is the first time in my life where I said no.  I want more than this for life..

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:14:27 -0700 The ups and downs of being emotional.. http://gebalove.posterous.com/the-ups-and-downs-of-being-emotional http://gebalove.posterous.com/the-ups-and-downs-of-being-emotional

The problem with trying to get clean.. to let go of all the vices that come with depression is the body tells the mind no.  The mind then tells the heart there are many good reasons to need a drink or a smoke to survive.  The main one being life sucks if forced to live it without some kind of high.  It is always the same way with me.  Just when I start feeling good enough to beat my vices something happens or doesn't happen and the need grows strong in me.  I end up spending another day on the floor staring at some TV show unable to deal with life.  I have all these truly hilarious skits that I plan to do but the silence of my life, the lonliness of it overwhelms me. 

The sad reality I am facing is nobody can fix that inside me.  Why should I have to tell people to call or care?  I shouldn't... I won't.. anyone who already knows me had the chance to get to know me.. or maybe they didn't.. maybe the problem is simply they are associated with a life I don't want.  I don't want to be here in Edmonton.. I want to be in Malta... I want to leave Canada and never return.  It isn't that I don't love my country I just dislike north america..   I like the heart of Europe... the way they see life and live it.. the way they remember to take time to enjoy life where we take time to work harder... I am such a liar but the fact people I know read this blog changes the honesty of it.. what was a place for me to get the madness out has become a place where I censor my truth because if we are truly honest it would scare people... people who know you want to help and they can't... they can't change or do anything.. my madness is my own..not anyone elses.. I want out of edmonton because I hate the place with all my heart..  It is home to all my bad memories and very few good.. I want to leave on a jet plane.. and never return again...

they call me igebadia  google it or check out my youtube channel..  http://youtube.com/igebadia 

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:46:04 -0700 life http://gebalove.posterous.com/life-1395 http://gebalove.posterous.com/life-1395 I don't like life very much right now.. I find where I live hard to handle cause it is like waking up each day and seeing all the things I have failed at in my life... I want so much to move to malta where I have friends.. people I can talk to but I need to save $10000... I know if I apply myself to my youtube channels and share my stories it will be easy enough but I find it so hard to shut out the voices telling me I will fail.. edmonton is like that for me.. a place where I fail... I feel trapped within this place.. I feel the voices ripping at my heart.. trying to steal life from me.. wanting me to fail... I only long for eternal sleep here.. but am even too afraid to experience that.. most days I walk around like a zombie with a hole inside his chest.. the realization that love is a precursor to depression has shook me to the core.. to know I will never experience ever after has broken me cause I cannot and will not risk another depressive episode.. but what then I ask... what is the meaning of life if it is not love... and that is the question I have because I am a poet... and for a poet with no hope of love.. suddenly the world is black and white... a dreary place...

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]]> http://files.posterous.com/user_profile_pics/65827/DSC00028.JPG http://posterous.com/people/15VJynxOvPr Gebadia Smith G Gebadia Smith