I don't like life very much right now.. I find where I live hard to handle cause it is like waking up each day and seeing all the things I have failed at in my life... I want so much to move to malta where I have friends.. people I can talk to but I need to save $10000... I know if I apply myself to my youtube channels and share my stories it will be easy enough but I find it so hard to shut out the voices telling me I will fail.. edmonton is like that for me.. a place where I fail... I feel trapped within this place.. I feel the voices ripping at my heart.. trying to steal life from me.. wanting me to fail... I only long for eternal sleep here.. but am even too afraid to experience that.. most days I walk around like a zombie with a hole inside his chest.. the realization that love is a precursor to depression has shook me to the core.. to know I will never experience ever after has broken me cause I cannot and will not risk another depressive episode.. but what then I ask... what is the meaning of life if it is not love... and that is the question I have because I am a poet... and for a poet with no hope of love.. suddenly the world is black and white... a dreary place...