Here I sit at 10 am in the morning.  It is time to go to bed for me because this is the pattern my life without a job has taken.  I have 2 months left to find my way back to the emotional stability to find a job that pays $2500 take home a month or bad things will happen.  People look at me and think I am fine.  The tree only falls in the forest when we see it fall.  They do not see the inner struggle inside.  The way I reduced my world to places, things and actions that will not cause me emotion.  How I never listen to music, some movies I cannot watch and outside is a place that terrifies me.  It is crazy right.  What sane person would act such ways?  But I am not a sane person.  I am a man who looks at everything with fear... always asking is this a variable that will lead me to that very, very dark place. 

How can I get job when I cannot find enough will power in me to get up and go outside?  How can I work in an office when I am terrified of people because I know my emotions will lie to me and I will over react or under react or not react.  Everything I say.. I write.. I do.. I over analyze because so often in life I have been so wrong. 

I have no answers.. there are no pills...I pray an angel shows me the way... you know the hardest part... it is I just need the right people to believe in me.. to tell me.. the one thing I have noticed is how so rarely in life do we bother to tell people they are amazing.... at least nobody does to me.. the right people I should say... it is always the right people.. the people we attach worth too...

I have no answers.. so I lay here afraid to go to sleep cause waking up at 10 pm... looking at the dark world is a special kind of hell... almost as bad as looking at the world at 8 am and realizing you don't matter... not in anyway that makes you smile...

So I will watch farscape.. I really bad scifi show on itunes.. that I have not seen... if you know me... I guess the way to think about it is when you date a girl she will never tell you what is wrong because if you had cared you would of known.. once she tells you it is too late....this blog is for me... I do not want your help... but I do think the cousin I never met rocks.. about the only member of my family I feel that way about...