I am the dreamer...this is my story.. if you want to know me... this story you need to read..

When we grow up people love to tell us we can be anything if we just believe... we read stories and poetry of love lifts our hearts to the sky... what child has not wanted to be something amazing.. for me growing up I wanted to be a hockey player.. I wanted it more than anything else in this world. Growing up in Edmonton Alberta with Wayne Gretzky number 99 the great one how could any child dream of anything else.. we were not rich.. in fact living on the coast of Bella Coola for a few years we lived in a log cabin with a tin roof that danced with the symphony of god during a rainstorm.. where a light in the bathroom was something magical to behold... in time when the owner of the cabin came to claim it.. took away the one place my mother was truly happy we moved into a house where we were able to rent a TV and every saturday we would watch Hockey night in canada... and sometimes during the winter we would get to go to the ice rink where my dad would play hockey while I sat on the sidelines... and some older guy took my christmas present.. my goalie stick.. and then he broke the tip of my koho.. not on purpose... still it was my goalie stick and my dad was more interested in other people liking him than noticing the boy who just wanted to play hockey...

One day I remember getting to play goalie.. for some reason there was knowone else and they let the little boy who hung around the hockey rink live his dream for an hour.. and I remember the way it felt when I didn't know where the puck was after a shot.. and the excitment of perhaps the puck was beneath me in the layer of pads..see I loved playing goalie.. all I ever wanted to be was a goalie.. but we were poor and there were no kids leagues in Bella Coola a small logging town on the coast of BC... but at 10 after my parents decided to get a dicoure and after living in a chicken coop and seeing my dad kiss another woman and seeing my mom naked with another man.... we moved to Edmonton and I was going to get that dream.. I was going to be a goalie... but somehow that dream got lost as the pads to be a goalie cost too much but I still could be a forward.. or a defense..children are more resiliant than you can imagine..

and there we were my dad and I in a hockey equipment store.. I was 10 or 11.. and as young boys are we are stubborn.. I wanted the bigger gloves.. my dad.. said I had to get the smaller ones.. we did not agree and we left the store and with that any chance I had of being a hockey player died.. I once read in my sisters diary that her dad killed her dreams.. upon that day the man who went to court to reduce his child support payments for $50 a month to $25 destroyed the greatest dream any boy growing up in Edmonton ever could have.. to be wayne gretzky....All I wanted to do as a child was play hockey... dads are suppose to make their kids dreams come true.. but to my dad I was worth $25 a month.. people wonder why I have no self esteem.. why I still cry myself to sleep at 32 years old.. why I just can never figure life out.. well how do you deal with the reality that you are worth so little...and perhaps if what happened next had not happened.. as I said children are resiliant creatures.. I was content to play with my little brother....in our basement appartment suite..

Every 4th saturday at 1 am WWF at the time would have this big wrestling show.. and we would stay up and watch it.. in fact we would stay up every saturday in hopes that the "saturday night live" meant wrestling and when it came on we wer Hulk Hogan and Andre the giant.. for children these were our heros larger than life...and sometimes we would even push all the furniture to the side.. and we would make goals and with a tennis ball and too small hockey sticks we were our hockey heros.. for a child there is never more joy than being able to let your imagination carry you like wings making this small little corner of the world a grand hockey rink with crowds roaing...

That was the last good memory I had as a child.. for a year or so later I was spendig the night at my best friends house.. jame james.. and we had made a fort out of blankets.. and he had his little brother there.. and he said to me that he wanted to get naked with me and rub our penises together.. I didn't want to.. but he told me it was normal.. and then he kissed his brother.. I wanted him to like me so I did....it happened twice.. no pentitration.. just 2 boys... one wanting the other to like him..

Its funny looking back.. how at 5 in an out house an older boy asked me to do the same thing.. at 7 in the back of a cab....with a different older friend.. and now at 13 teen... why at 13 did such an event effect me when before there is nothing.. no pain.. because at 13 I had become aware.. I knew of god.. and I think it was the fat that physcially it felt good that scared me the most even though at that age a tight pair of blue jeans feels good.. at that age yu are just realizing what a penis is... and maybe if my mother hadn't sunk in my head that homosexuality was wrrong.. that gay people were going to helll.. I would of been able to simply forget about it as I had done at 5 and 7... but such is not the world of religon.. where you are going to hell if you are gay.. and so from that moment on I lived in terror.. I prayed every cchance I ould for god to forgive me.. I would say over and over again I am not gay.. I am not gay.. I couldn't sleep because I would talk in my sleep.. I was terrified people would find out.. I could not get close to anyone..I could not have any guy friends.. I would just stand alone next to this cement wall and throw a ball back and forth.. it was my only joy in life for the rest of the time I lived in fear...

My sister.. my older sister who I do not talk to once was spying on me.. and I was afraid she heard me speak to god.. and I look back and maybe that is why we never speek.. because maybe she knew my greatest secret...

It is strange how that one event changed my life.. how I had no friends after that.. how I longed for friends.. about a year later I moved in with my mom.. there were all 4 kids.. and my mom in this little town house.. my borth and eye shared a room and my two sisters and my mom shared another.. my dad was more interested in finding a wife than being a father... we were poor.. someday we did not have food.. somedays I was beaten.. I don't blame my mother.. she cannot even admit to it.. I just wanted to not be so fucked up inside.. I made a friend at school... Mike was his name but he did not want to be my friend for long because maybe I walked funny.. maybe I wasn't cool.. I had no friends.. I remember collecting bottles and ordring SI.com so I could get Michael Jordan come fly with me.. and I remember calling up the proxy friends I had when I got the CD at lunch and asking if I could come over and watch it... I remember them saying no...I was the kid who just tried to find a group of people to hang around with so I would be alone in the play ground.. I was the guy nobody wanted around...

I remember the family firends getting a nintendo and all I wanted to do was come over and play Mike Tysons punch out.. with the family friends boys.. my age.. but they did not like me.. they liked my older sister and so every couple of days I would ask to spend the night and they would say no.. my heart was crushed..

At school winning a lunch with teacher was a nightmare because they always asked what does your mom do and we were poor.. we were on welfare.. and I had to lie..

That was my life.. but my mom even though at times she had beat me.. she had choked me, through her own madness at having her dreams stolen.. her heart broken with the help of my grand mother.. managed to afford the $1000 it took for me to play hockey one year.. and it was the best year of my life.. I got to go to NAIT in the summer and put on skates.. and learn to play hockey.. it was the most amazing time.. and then they had tryouts to see what level we belonged in. and me feelling joy for the first time in my life.. feelling free on that hockey rink tried harder than everyone else.. and likely got put into to high.. I was 15 and it was my first itme playing hockey.. I wasn't very good.. the first shift this big kid drove middle and scored on our goalie.. but I didn't care I was living the dream.. and the kids from my school who happened to be at the same rink as me would make fun of me.. they said I played the minimum amount of shifts a kid has to play.. meaning I was the worst player on my team.. but I did not care..

There was the blizzard of 88 where we had 2-3 feet of snow.. roads were snowed in.. school was cancelled and I made my mom shovel out the car..and drive to the rink... just on the off chance..to this day I still regret never having scored a goal.. If I could have one wish it would be to know that feeling to see the puck in the net...

I only got to play one year.. we were poor.. and the dream was to play hockey and have your dad spend time with you at the rink.. to play with you..

I could go on.. and someday I will tell you the tale how my childhood of pain decended into a life of darkness.. of broken relationships and pain.. how after too many one night stands I realized I was not gay... but I will stop here......because today I read the quiet words of a young lady.. a girl I told to follower her dreams..

She goes by vgirl.. she I am looking for an anime artist.. and she happened to say I draw anime in a facebook anime fanpage.. she shared her work with me.. and it did show promise but what I needed had to be done in photoshop.. I told her how she could take what others would have said is a hobby and make something of herself.. I told her of lynda.com which is a good place to learn how to use professional art software.. I told her of the different websites online like posterous which would allow her to article her journey.... but what I did not tell that young lady was of the cruelness of life.. how online just as in real life there are those who will rip your dreams, your most precious creativity from you.. who get a rush out of making you feel bad.. the trolls of the internet.. the scum.. the people that if I ever have my way will pay. the people who say whole heartly troll me not her.. because these were her words..

http://vgirl.posterous.com/whats-been-happening

"I recently put up a topic on a forum to sell my work. I instantly got
hated for it. "Why would people pay for that, couldn't they just copy
and paste it", "Your drawing is way out of proportion", "It makes me
want to throw up", "You're just another anime artist wannabe". It got
taken down but it still haunts me. It has gotten to me so much that I
can't sleep at night and the more I think about, the more I want to
overdose on medication or cut myself. "

I want to say big words like I will find those trolls who said such cruel things.... but what does that matter.. we are a cruel people.. we always seek to make those who seek to be more feel as if they cannot succeed.. and often in life we fail.. we fail over and over again... I do not know what to say to her.. I have cut myself.. I have taken 20 gravel and prayed I would not wake up.. I have longed for a gun...I am 32 years old living in my mothers basement suite.. a shatter man broken...

I have one friend in the whole world and even she barely believes in me beause the chasm inside me. the need to feel love is too great even for her.... my sister so not care for me.. my little brother who I might have saved from 10 years of meth lives in another provincce.. broken from a father.. a life.. a million variables....all he wanted to do was be an artist.. did my dad steal that from him..

And yet I still dream.. I dream of walking in malta with the girl I love who does not love me.. who is my friend and hearing her read me the bible.. even though it hurts me so much when the words of god are wrapped in her voice.. I hear them and feel as if there is hope for me... but my doubt creeps in because I am certain she will say I am not worth the hassle..

I have failed so much in my life.. I have failed as a son.. I have failed as a man..I have failed as a student...my mother mortgaged her house so I could build this application.. so I might find some sort of happines because I am stuck in a job I hate with a boss who thinks it is his duty to tell me I will fail at anything I try.. who without asking comes into my office and assumes I have failed at this webstuff...

Still even though I cannot find the courage to dream for me.. to really dram.. I can find the courage to dream for my friend roxanne.. so that she might find the strength to write.. to sing.. I have found the strength to love god for giving her such gifts.. such support.. I can find the strength to help my mom find her way back to write a childrens book...and this girl here..I will keep trying to help her find her way.. and anyone else who needs a dream I will give it to them.. anyone else who needs someone to believe in them.. they shall have me...

and then maybe.. when this life comes to an end there will be some purpose to me.. because when it comes to me.. I am just the boy looking at his life wondering why god made him....

Jul 07, 2009

Heather Villalta said...

...well, thank you for being honest and writing this out. I don't have much to say because only you know what it was like to go through those things. And you still go through them now. I am sorry for that. The only encouragement I could give you won't accept. So, I'll just say I'm sorry.

Gebadia Smith said...

Heather... were expecting me to stand up and say oh yes save me... I never asked you to save me..the school teacher comes home frustrated because she felt like she could never reach a student.... then 5 years later that student returns and says thank you for believing in me...why is it we need to see the effect we have on people? It is like the missionary who sits and talks of how many people who they have saved... and knows nothing of god..because I tell you this.. if anyone ever says they saved anyone they are so far from the truth they are blind..

Nope, not at all. If that was the case, I would be doing it for myself. Who am I to be doing something like that for myself? My point was that whatever I have to say, you won't understand and won't accept. You have a set of ideas about yourself and the world around you, and having some random person come and tell you differently won't work. I am sorry that you have been through what you have been through, but it isn't my place to judge or condemn, nor do I have much to say to you about hope. You don't have hope. I know hope is possible for you, but you can't see it and I don't think I could convince you of it. Do you have any shred of belief that I could?

They got to move that remove comment... truth is the reason I want to move to Malta is because there I felt hope.. no here you could not give me hope.. it is not your place.. it was never your place to give me hope or give me god.. you shared your story and I suppose that is all we can do and have faith... forgive me I have trouble with religion.. I am not naive about it. My mom is very religious.. and at one time I was too.. but I have never found that peace...or that purpose... truth be told I am trapped.. by debt.. in a job I do not like... truth is.. life is so much better among the poor.. they accept you in a way that is hard to describe..

your a senior.. I am getting advice from someone probably in a southern state who thinks canada is socialist and is in high school.. lol

HAHAH! I am graduated from high school and I live in California. And no, Canada is not socialist. Don't think of me stereotypically. I am not ignorant, nor do I follow the people of Christianity (the ones who thin they know everything), I follow the God of Christanity, and His Son, Jesus. I should be called a follower of Jesus, not a Christian.

Ok... here is one for you.. since you are in Cali.. is there a place for gay people in heaven?

Again, being stereotypical...

If someone struggles with being gay, that is not a sin, everyone is tempted by something(s). If you choose to act out on that temptation, then you are sinning 1) because you aren't married (unless you did get married i some other state) and 2) because the Bible CLEARLY spells out that it's wrong. Just like sex outside of marriage is wrong, so is two men or two women sleeping together. Now, if you have done some things like that in the past (like I know you have), then getting forgiveness is pretty easy. You ask. Now, forgiving yourself is a totally different thing. I have to tel myself all the time that what I have don in the past is indeed history, not something I need to continue to beat myself up over. I struggle with a sexual sin that is very shameful. I have sought help from the people around me, and am doing okay now. But I still have to remind myself that I don't need to continue to feel guilty or condemned. It's a difficult route for me.

I did not ask for that for me.. but for a young lesbian girl I met.. and she is active... and to be honest.. if there is not a place for her in heaven then there would not be a place for me... I would decline if asked.. I use to believe in the bible.. but I cannot help but wonder how much is truth and how much is the flawed interpretation of man... logically we must assume if there is a god he would work in scientific ways.. we must also assume that during the time when the bible was written man would not of possessed the ability to comprehend science... we must also accept that religion has been used to control people...

see I met a girl and for me if she had been a guy I would be gay.. she is not.. but still it was her presence I loved.. and it changed my view on things.. it made me see behind the flesh into the person.. and it made me pause because who am I to say someone doesn't deserve to be loved.. to be held.. you know.. complicated questions... and what by chance are you doing in Cali? Actress since we are throwing out stereotypes... it is funny.. I told my friend that the greatest truths are found in the conversation of people...

Gos created the idea of a scientific way. He wouldn't need to work within science's scope. He's God, duh! And it's beyond religion, it's a relationship with God that makes people joyful. Following all the rules gets you nowhere, not even into heaven. What we do only matters in that some of what we do makes us sinful. God is holy. Holy means He is set apart and different from anything else. It also means He is pure. He is not sinful, and cannot stand sin. He defines what is sin and what isn't. Since He is God, His definitions are absolute.

Everyone is loved. She is loved. God loves her, He hates her sin. Have you ever heard the saying, "Love the sinner, hate the sin."? That's what God does. He wants us to turn from sin and even gave the price for it BECAUSE He loves us. He can't be around us while we are sinful, and He died to make sure those who want His presence and His gift are not held back by their sin. He also doesn't force us to love Him, but wishes we all would.

In California, where the unemployment rate is at 10%, I am unemployed. I am going to college right now, and am going to one day become a youth pastor.

See I disagree about the science thing.. I think it is far more beautiful that this world could be created by a simple mathematical equation... and I would rather not think of god like something out of a harry potter novel.. and to be honest one of the big reasons religion is losing so many... for me it would be more magical if god did work in scientific ways...

As for hate the sin.. I cannot do that with her... I will not... I will not hate what brings her joy... who am I to say what is right or wrong.. because of some bible that was translated by flawed men... some church that I have no faith in....religion has become a tool to control.. to indoctrinate... I see the love she has for another.. and I believe love is when god touches us and if she is to love another of the same sex then it is gods hand that has given her that love....so I guess you could say I see god in the love.. likely not what you think.. I could be wrong.. who is to no.. but I will never hate her sin because I do not want what bring her joy to be sin.. and the thing is I don't really even know the girl except through the love of her sister... just I can't... I can't hate her sin..

Well, agreeing or disagreeing on scientific things makes no dfference unless it is getting in the way of believeing in God at all. I don't try to push creationism versus evolution because it makes very little difference unless people are turning from God because of it or not trusting the Bible because of it. If they are, then I must say something, but otherwise, I honestly don't tink it makesmuch of a difference. God created me, that's all I need to know. How doesn't make much of a difference. Pslam 139 is a realy encouraging psalm about being created by God. - http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%20139:1-18;&version=51;

As for loving or hating the sin, it's not up to me or you. It's up to God. We are not called to judge anyone else's sin. We are called to judge our own. You don't have to hate her sin, you have to look and make sure you hate your own. I was saying that God loves her, yet hates her sin. I don't want to say you can love her sin, because you can't do that, as a Christian, but neither do you have to hate it.

We are called by God to be holy (remember, holy means set apart or different, and it also means pure or untainted by sin), however, so keeping that in mind while seeing someone else's sin is necessary.

hmm, the link didn't work. Try this one - http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%20139:1-18;&version=51;

Still not fully wrking. Just make sure you highlight and copy it into your browser URL bar.

See that is the thing.. I don't see it as sin.. I think as long as we do things with love there is no sin in them... now you understand why I cannot call myself christian.. I admire her strength and for me to say it is sin is saying I do not accept her choices.. but again I only know her sister... I simply admire the girl for chosing her own path and not being afraid of it.. I find such courage in that.. it humbles me...

but please we must stop.. I truly feel like an open wound.. I thank you for listening... sharing.. but my chest hurts... the panic will come soon. :) it is the curse of my madness...

Anxiety attacks? That sucks! But choosing your own path in this world can means tanding up for what you believe, even if others are against you.

Don't you think life would easier if you were stupid..lol

Yeah, ignorance is bliss...until you die.

I don't fear going to hell... I think I fear going to heaven.. I fear being happy more than anything.. it is why I wreck my relationships.. because for me happiness always ends... it is easier to be sad than be happy

you don't fear hell, yet you're miserable here, the place that for those going to heaven, is the closest they'll ever get to hell.

I don't fear going to hell, because I know I'm going to heaven.

Why are you afraid of happiness?

I can't imagine hell being any worse than this.. see the reality is I am just lonely...depression cost me all my friends here and my family.. with the exception of my mother.. both my brother and I were really messed up by having a dead beat for a dad... and my sisters never let us forget it.. I just don't want to go to a heaven without those I care for... so really I don't care about going to heaven.. as long as those I love get there.. that is all that matters to me... happiness always ends and I cannot handle the fall..

In Malta I was so happy.. I had a real friend.. someone who I could tell my stories.. who would give me a hug... her dad hugged me... just to feel that love.. and then to come back to this.. it breaks me in a way... life was easier when I would just have random sex..here I have to find the strength to get up and go to work where routinely my boss belittles everyone... so H... I am already in hell..lol... welcome to my insanity...I am fighting my way back to love...

You've probably heard this before, but I am going to say it again. God is love. Finding love is finding God. Finding God is understanding Him, His Plan, and His Love for you. I know I am repeating myself, but that is the message of my life. God's love. God is EVERYTHING to me. I would die without Him (probably kill myself), and live only because of Him. It's so simple, but no one ever gets it.

how can they... the church has always been put against science.. religion is used to keep republicans hating demos...used to keep muslims hating christians and vica versa... people don't trust god anymore... see here... we take life for granted.. we wouldn't walk 10 ks to get water...all you can do is help people.. give with no words and when they come to you and when you give people want to know you.. and then you tell them why...

truth is following god is more about making ourselves feel good when it should be about making others feel good.. I don't think you should ever care if you go to heaven but you should care more about weather those you love go...

It is funny how to be successful to make money I will have to talk fo my sexual escapades.. to be interesting... and lately I wish I had more stories of goodness..:)

I am not programmed to be selfless, but just to let you know, talking to you all day has been a burden, not something I have enjoyed. So, if that backs up anything you said about being selfless, then there.

Heather.. you spend the day talking about god in a blog.. exploring faith where it was not as simple as saying I got saved..if that is a burden might I suggest you should stick to those who believe what you do... see I enjoyed talking to you about god... since when is talking of god a burden...next time I will just tell you what you want to hear.. too bad.. because the world needs more people who are willing to explore the hard questions.. because that is what young people deal with.. that is what we all deal with...maybe it shouldn't be easy.. cause faith is hard... and yes you are programmed to be selfless.. the only gift that remains in our hearts.. the only warm feeling that ever means something comes from giving..

you will learn that in time...

I haven't stopped talking just because it is hard, in case you haven't noticed. You areasking questions I have never ben asked to answer before, and that is diffcult for me, a burden, because I feel like I must come up with the right answers. And one of my weaknesses is that I feel like I must appear to have everything put together for the world to see. I am a perfectionist. So yes, you may have enjoyed it (and I hope you have, because I am talking for your benefit, not mine), but I was letting you know it wasn't for mine. I was talking about being selfish versus selfless. Do you understand?

and to be truthful it wasn't easy for me.. the right side of my chest has hurt all day.. but it is all good.. I feel raw too.. my real name is Graham by the way.. gebadia smith is who I would be in another life.. who I am online....I use it as a way to share my pain without giving away names of the people who I talk of.. my facebook is under my real name... but online.. outside of facebook I am gebadia smith.. the girl I love does not love me so I am writing a tale for her... A tale where I win her heart.. lol... take care of yourself girl.. it was a pleasure..

Yeah, Graham, it was interesting to get to know you and talk to you. Don't stop looking for the answers. Ask, seek, knock, you know?

H... there are no right answers.. just different takes.. do you know why I love blogs.. the hegelian dialetic.. two opposing ideas clash and in the middle is some truth... the picture is me... just the name is not.. only the name.. I wanted to be able to walk away someday.. so please do not think the words are an act.. it would break my heart if you thought that.. for me I love to debate things.. I find such truth in the conversation...you might not see the effect on me right away...

Don't tell me the right answers...please let us not do the first date trap.. not that this is a date... just be you.. tell me what you think.. tell me what you feel..

Today? I feel exhausted. I hve been ttally honest with someone who dosn't believe half of what I am saying, that's how I feel. I am getting more depressed as the day goes on. My depression is worse today than it has been for a year or so. I feel like doing nothing. It is taking all the willpower I have to continue talking, and I am going to bed now. Good night.

My feelings were hurt.. and that is why I was harsh back...see i am 13 inside.. it is what happens.. you stop growing emotionally...it is a curse of sorts.. your state is broke eh... you know my friend in malta..she sings.. she talks of god like you do.... I am trying to get her to share her words online.. her music.. she is in itally at some orphange. truth is the world needs god more now than ever.. it will only get worse...you did speak the truth when you said god was about love... sad how so many of us miss that use and use god for war...it is like we always forget.. maybe jesus did return.. said we are all a bunch of dumbasses and went back to heaven..

Don't be depressed.. you did brilliantly... you never wavered.. you struggled but you stayed true to who you are.. why would you ever feel bad about that thing...? A lot of people don't believe what you do....I think you kind of rock.. I am sorry I am difficult..for what it is worth I think you should never stop telling people what you believe...

I won't ever stop. And yeah, I beat myself up all the time over what I say and do, but in the end, what hs happened has happened, I can't change the past.

Gebalove