It has been so long since I actually talked to someone that I feel as if I will lose the ability.  It is always that way.  You go without and then when you meet someone the words fall so quickly... I struggle with reality.  This idea that I have to get a job in 2 months.  I feel beaten down inside from 6 years with a boss who made suicide look like a good option.. I feel the pressure of my debts which threaten to overwhelm me.. all I want in life is to be debt free.. it is something that you really don't understand until later in life.. until you realize that your heart longs for the south american oceans.. to wake up to the sun.. to wake up anywheres than north america which is devoid of beauty for me...  I can't tell anyone what I truly think about.. you never can because to talk about what I think would send people into a panic.. funny how in life we can never truly be honest because of how other people react.. truth is I dohn't really give a fuck anymore.. because even if they were to write.. they were to call I would not answer.. It is my bubble.. fuck the world and all its crap.. this blog is for me.. it is where I give my madness so if you can't handle it fuck off.. it is just the randomness of the mind and people who freak out when they hear the truth make it so many people feel alone cause in life all you really want mostly is people to shut up and listen.. and since life did not provide me this.. this blog is my bouncing board but don't think you know me cause you read these words.. you know nothing...

The thing about people who suffer from depression is death is always an option.. it is not irrational either.. it is a totally rational thought... I am worth $500 000 dead.. and it would pay off all my debt and my mom's.. I love my mom.. I want her to be able to retire in dignity... how can it not be an option.. the problem is suicide don't pay so well.. I wonder if that is the reason I am not getting the H1N1.. would I fight to stay alive if I got it?  Probably not because my mom's happiness is worth more than my life... and you might say she wouldn't be happy... maybe.. but she would understand.. this world for me will never hold the joy it once did...

I am a man.. growing up I loved more than anything else was playing sports.. man vs man in a battle of strength, will, determination.. we can lie to ourselves as we get older but life is never as good as it was when we were the star of the basketball team....

I have never fit anywheres in this world and maybe their is happiness out their but my debt.. the fact I am going to be forced to work at some job I hate.. to be around people who have settled in life.. the fact that nobody will hire the crazy man from youtube even though he likely knows more about social sites online than most people out their cause it is where the depressed of this world...the rejected the freaks in the circus of the internet live...

They call me igebadia.. and please check out my youtube channel.. http://youtube.com/gebalove click sub and get updates of the tales from a fractured mind... funny...truthful.. I have no edit button..