There are moments in our lives..moments when we can do something and we do nothing. One of these moments happened to me while in bangkok... It was about 9 at night and the guy I was with wanted to get some gifts for his wife who he had a habit of cheating on.. He actually wanted me to get some girls to come up to our room to have sex so he could watch and I probably would of if at that time in my life I could of gotten it up... sadly I was having a mental beakdown.. we walked across this bridge and there was this lady begging for money for food and next to her where she sat was a baby who laid there on the cement barely alive...

We are so programmed not to give to poor people when we travel I walked by heartless to the child with no hope that lay there with no food and the mom who just wanted to feed its child....

I remember on the way back having money ready to give the mother and child but they were gone... how pathetic was I that I could not give a mother and a baby child a dollar so they could eat...

Just as I needed my family to love me.. to love the broken boy who become a broken man who had too much emotion.. too many memories...but my family couldn't love me.. my mom did but not my sisters.. my little one did more than my older but not enough.. because I wasn't normal... I never talked properly.. I was screwed up inside.. I can't remember ever sitting down with my older sister.. I can't remember her ever giving me advice.. I can't remember her ever wanting to know me... and I try to be strong.. but I can't.. I cry when I think about it.. how when I cut my chest.. when blood ran down my chest she called my little sister because she couldn't deal with it.. she couldn't deal with me..

her little brother.. the one that was fucked up.. just wanting to be accepted and she couldn't give me that.. even now when I just wanted someone to share this app with.. someone to maybe give me advice on accounting she couldn't give me that.. how when her kids come over they make comments that a child would not make about me living with my mother.. still unable to simply accept that every day I wake up it is a struggle to simply get out of bed.. how for the best 5 years there is rarely a day I do not cry.. how I struggle so hard to keep going because my own family did not love me...

My little sister was better I suppose.. she was there for me from time to time.. but again she never wanted to know me... but she tried more.. she accepted me more than my older sister but the pain with my younger sister is she never was willing to help me even a little with this app stuff without making me pay her $20 an hour.. even then.. even when I paid her she....maybe she did try.. I don't know but I know my younger sister and I will never talk again..

See both my brother and I don't have any sisters.. knowing them always came with conditions.. there love always had conditions.. we had to be ok.. we had to have it all together.. we had to have it figured out..

And so many of us in this world face this same pain.. that for those we call family to love us we can't be sad, we can't struggle, we have to be happy because if we are not it is hard on those we love.. if we do not have a good carreer it is hard on those we love... see that is what too often love is.. we need someone to be who we need them to be because it is too hard to love someone for who they are...

And that is how my sisters.. always made me feel... as if who I am was never good enough for there love..

I cannot think today.. my brain is healing.. that is the problem with green smoke.. you start having to smoke more of it to feel normal.. but it kills your ability to grab memories on cue as if it makes your brain go haywire.. and I decided if my friend has enough courage to go off and work with orphans.. actually two of my friends then it is time I learn to stand on my own two feat.. it is time I learn to be a man... I don't really want because I feel like shit.. it is easier to keep feeling like shit than try to be happy.. but a friend told me I have to fix me and maybe she is right.. at first she didn't.. often with her she puts up this super strong image and makes life seem so easy.. it makes it hard to relate to her...

For me life has always been a struggle.. but when she dropped her walls I realized the things she says are not easy for her either... that she struggles with the same issues I did but she keeps on fighting where I don't and I thought well if she has enough courage to go off to Italy than I am going to quit this green smoke.. I am going to quit my love of tobacoo and get healthy.. so I went for a walk.. I tried a little harder at work to get along with my idiot bosses and they are idiots..

Just like them to come back from vacation and be like we told you to do this and be like um no you didn't.like usual you think something but you don't communicate it with people.. which is why the office is so inefficient..

But I guess not everyting can be fixed and I can't change my boss.. I can only keep plugging away at this app.. and keep trying to make a success of myself...thanks friend...

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As I mentioned a long time ago.. way back in my posts when I talked of shemales... I met a girl in New Orleans.. and so after my love affair with a gator my friend and I drove back to our hotel to get ready to meet the girls that night. I was excited to see them again. Anytime I win a kiss from a pretty girl.. it is a big deal.. so here I was all decked out in my nice blue shirt, new shorts and sandles. I was going to get some. I even went and bought some fancy drink mix.

So the girls, TJ and missy came to our hotel. I am not sure what I expected from TJ. She is looking hot in her tight blue jeans but there is this weirdness about her.. later on I would find out it was because she was worried that I copped a feel when she passed out which I didn't... anyways so they say they are not drinking. and I am a sensitive guy so instantly you feel kind of silly for spending a bunch of money on drink mix. We head off and start walking down burbon street. Nothing is going well, I can't talk to TJ and then my friend starts blabbing about how good he was at basketball.. this always bothered me cause he kind of was a good athlete but not a good basketball player. I sort of lose it, more because I am frustrated by what is happening with TJ.

Now when things don't go well most people just relax.. me I like to tempt death. Hey I say lets go to a graveyard at midnight in new orleans.. so we start walking to a graveyard in this projects. It was like walking in the places you see on the TV show the wire. Rundown, crap places. Together we all hope over this 7 foot wall which was not easy to get over and start exploring this run down graveyard that was ruined from the floods.. finally after losing the other two I get TJ alone and I grab her and kiss her passionately..

Suddenly neither of us is nervous anymore.. the night is perfect.. except for the guy on his bike saying get the fuck out of here before you get shot....

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Most days for me are generally the same. I go through life and almost nothing excites me. Recently a girl at my work told me I was boring and she is right, because what excites me I cannot find. It was always intense emotion where I found the trill of life. In playing sports I found that in the human battle of one man or one team against the other. There was nothing more exciting to me than basketball.. the other place was love.

There is always something amazing about the feeling you get when you meet and trully connect with someone. When the hot girl talks to you. For an average looking bloke like me with a few too many pounds, a crooked nose and a funny shaped head it doesn't happen often. When I was younger sure I had a few hotties but not as you get older it become fewer and father between. Probably because I can't stand talking to most people. They just bore me.

Chika didn't bore me. She was about 5'4 5'6.. totally guessing here. Petite with this black hair that teased her eyes just below shoulder length. She had this almost grudge/anime style to her. IT was strings of vivid color mixed into the plane green. She also seemed to bounce as she walked. This energy she carried. It was like nothing I had seen before. Most girls in China are pretty much the same, the say the same lies about being single, they are always very well dressed and proper. Chika was the exact opposite and she exploded in the room. We met at KFC.. and she devoured her food... it is strange that the girls I meet who I fall for tend to devour their food like they rarely remember to eat or have some place to go.

It was Christmas in China so we were all going Karaoke.. only problem was for at least me it meant another naked bathhouse with 20 chinese men staring at my white ass body.. not a gay thing a rich thing.. except this time there was no massage. Just a bath, some pajamas.. dinner and a big ass room with an endless supply of booze and singing.

The night by all accounts was a blast. I got drunk with the man I call my wife Dashwin who speaks no English.. another time I will tell you about my Chinese male wife. So anyways near the end of the night I ask Chika if she would like to go out sometime. She says yes and I am ON TOP OF THE WORLD.. there is nothing scarier than asking a girl out you like.. there is nothing more amazing when she says yes.

Now I didn't get to see her right away because I had to go to Shanghai for business. It was 4 days before our date. The thing about a pretty girl... when I say pretty it is a subjective thing..pretty to me.. is she gives you dreams.. when you get older it is harder to find that magic which lets you dream.. truth is I try never to dream anymore because the pain of disappointment is too much.. with Chika I couldn't help it... sure you might say 3000 miles and 18 hour flight.. it means nothing to me.. I flew across the world twice for the chance at love.

I was so excited the day of the date. My host, the guy I was doing business with me who was an ass decides he wants me to train his people on the software I am selling. I do a half of a day and say see yah.. now I haven't called Chika since setting our date to meet at KFC.. I arrive early enough to go buy a little jade necklace.. I wanted the day to be perfect. We are suppose to meet at 2pm.. 2 comes and no Chika.. 2:30 and no Chika.

Now you might think I should call her. In a perfect world there would be a phone where I put a quarter in and then it is that easy. Chinese payphones if you can find them take cards. You need to find a place to sell them. You need someone who speaks enough English to point you in the right direction. So I manage to borrow a phone to get Chika's phone number from the host guy, however I am unable to get ahold her. Now you might think a guy should give up.. not me.. I am resilient. There is nothing I would not do at the chance at love. It is all I have wanted my whole life.. my very own love story...

So I decide I am going to buy a cell phone in China.. I have permission to buy one, a cheap one from my boss in case I need to contact him. Cheap is not in my vocabulary as it physically bothers me to buy something cheap when there is something better out there. A little OCD in a way..

So I go to a cell phone company. They don't take American money. The lady at the store walks with me for two blocks to a bank where I can change my US cash into whatever they call Chinese money. I buy this PDA samsung top of the line phone for 800US... cheap is not in my vocab. So I call Chika again and finally she answers...

she forgot about my date... it is like your heart hits the floor.. maybe that should of been a clue she was not into me.. but when you have spent $800 US which you will have to explain to your boss for a chance at love nothing stops you.. Chika says she will be there in 30 minutes.

So I wander through a Chinese shopping center where I see a more current version of the phone I just bought for $1000 US... not I can't return the phone I bought but man it just bothered me to have the second best phone.

Chika shows up and she has not showered, she has not brushed her teeth. Maybe that was because of the fact you can only shower 3 times a week in Bejing, water shortage.. or... she is not into me.. again I ignore this.. average looking blokes have to.. girls don't just fall for guys like me.. we have to win there hearts...

So we catch a Taxi and drop off a video she did for a professor and then head to her favorite place to walk. In the cab ride over.. she says the worst thing any girl can say to a man...

"just friends"

Why don't you girls just take a knife and kill us because it was like the world started to crack around me and then shatter.... and the thing is you have to smile and pretend it was always just friends when secretly all you want is to get wasted and end up fucking some girl.. it is how men deal with things.. it is how I use to... not anymore.. tired of the 6 month wait to see if I caught the HIV from some drunken escapade on a pool table in a Vancouver hostile.

So we finally get to this place and I am trying to put on a brave face.. we start walking and her English is average at best... and the whole time I just want to pull her in close and kiss her even with her stinky breath.. and you have to understand Chinese woman eat chickens feat.. so for me to want to kiss her chicken feat eating mouth..she must be some kind of..

Unfortuanelty the feeling is one sided as we start to get past the surface details. It is something I am good at I guess. Truth is I have never really been good at the whole casual conversation thing. I just can't relax around people..

First she says she has never kissed a boy but has kissed a girl and her favorite show is Queer eye for the straight guy... She is actually grossed out by the idea of kissing a guy... then I start talking of TJ this black American girl I dated and she is getting excited..

Then it hits me... out of the 1.5 billion people in China, out of the 700 million woman... I find the hot lesbian...

And.. I have no answer for that... there is no come back.. my ego just is not big enough to think I can turn her straight...

Nothing in life teaches us to deal with that scenario.. so if you are ever in China and are a lesbian... I can hook you up with the most amazing girl...

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