a fractured mind...

a fractured mind...

Gebadia Smith  //  

Jul 31 / 9:18am

My insides hurt

I have never been one to hold back.. to play the game.. I would always send encouraging quotes, say nice things, send flowers and try to help people see the good in them.. the problem was I never got it back.  It is like with Malta girl... she calls herself my friend but she never takes the time to text me back saying it cost too much, she rarely takes the time to really see how I am other than I hope you are doing well.. which is basically saying I care enough to mention you but if your not well ... who cares... her spending 15 minutes with you on chat is like this big thing.. when it would be normal for 90% of the other people in the world and not be this huge sacrifice on her part... with her I am always last.. or at least that is how she always makes me feel, like the least important person in her life.  And so today for the first time in my life I am not going to text her a quote or a nice message, I am not going to email her... I am simply going to let things be... and if she wants to know me.. if she wants to be my friend then it up to her to come to me cause I have nothing left to give.. I am a completely broken man.. she made me a yoyo and it destroyed me inside... she says I have trouble with trust but how could anyone trust someone who one day says one thing and the next day changes her mind... I do hope we become friends.. but I know inside I will never let myself feel love again.. I will never be able to look at a woman and utter those words or let myself feel love for if anyone utter those words to me I would walk away.. run away because I could never believe they would be real.. love for me is not a reality I want and yet it is all I want but I am too shattered inside.. I am out of ducktape or faith...
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Jul 30 / 12:20pm

Sad again

It is funny how badly sunny days and cloudy days affect me.. it is as if the rain is falling right upon me.. I hate the mornings the worst... to look at my email and see how so few care to know I am alive.. people who would call be friends yet never care to see how I am... I think I am going to go into a caccoon.. to disapear.. to never touch another... I have thought about this a lot lately.. about love.. about why I will never dare to love another and I have come to the conclusion that love has always been a curse for me.  I have never sat there and simply enjoyed what should be enjoyed right.  It has always left me feeling afraid... and then crushed when it leaves.. as it must with me.  I will nefver love again.  I will never let my heart feel that way for another because I will not survive the next fall.  I have lost too much already to love... I simply try to get up each day and survive.. this long weekend will be the same as all the previous... I will lay upon my couch watching videos trying to work with a brain full of green smoke.. just hoping to get through the day... I am a broken man... I fear I will always be a broken man...
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Jul 29 / 11:01am

I am always the one who has to keep the friendship going..

People wonder why I have no friends.. why I don't go out.. why I sit at home all the time.. well it is because at some point in each persons life you can't be the one who initiates everything... you can't be the one who always emails or calls first.  With me it is that way with everyone.. I am nothing, nobody because if I do not write to others my inbox will be empty.. if I do not call others I will never talk to anybody... and I guess somewheres along the line I stopped being able to to be the one who always makes the first move... I guess along the way I lost faith in life.. I broke deep down and simply cannot handle living in this world where I am so easily forgotten.. I get up, I go to work, I go home... it is always the same.. there is no moments of smiles.. I haven't smiled, truly smiled in such a long time.. my only joy, if you can call it joy is going to a movie alone.. to leave work early... in time my words will become less.. and then in time my words will become none and all that will be left is this.. these blogs.. the only place I am ever heard is here and in my http://youtube.com/igebadia...  channel.. it is a strange reality never having anyone to just talk to.. I haven't sat on the phone.. or had coffee with a friend in months.. WIth the exception of Malta years... I am alone.. I will always be alone.... I thought about this morning and after my last experience I am fatally broken when it comes to love.. whatever faith I had in it is gone.. I cannot believe in it..  I do not believe I am worthy of such a feeling... I will never rish being happy again... happiness terrifies me because the moment I trust it, it goes away... I would rather just feel this dull sadness then ever feel that pain as happiness is ripped from me...
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Jul 28 / 9:52am

Her perfume

She is in nice.. we were suppose to meet in nice.. I remember her perfume.. it was the only kind I ever loved.. she is the only girl I ever truly loved.. People say lots of fish in the sea but that is a myth for.. I can't even find the words.. I simply want to sit in front of my TV and watch the images fall by forgetting what it means to be alive.. I do not want any of this.. I do not want this life... I want a do over so I can be anything but me... I am pretending to be alive.. I am heatcliffe.. you will disagree which is fine.. even though statistically speaking it is certainly probably.. that a man could simply love a woman that much but be too broken inside from a childhood of pain to ever know that love.. to ever hold her in this life.. I do not want to grow old..
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Jul 28 / 9:19am

I am empty inside...my words are gone..

I have nothing left inside.. love has left me a shriveled up shell of a man.. I remember her saying I restored her faith in ever after love... which is ironic cause she took mine.  We are friends or at least that is what we call ourselves but it is an illusion.  I had to fight and beg to get 15 minutes of her time to get simple answers to her questions.. she likes to say yes to many things and then forgets she ever said yes to them.  here I am trying to make enough money so my mother does not lose her house and trying to count on her is like trying to keep your footing under a sheet of ice... you never know what yes is real.  It is me she says who needs to learn to trust but how can I trust a woman who does not trust herself.. whose mind changes like the wind... who calls me a friend yet always puts me last.. it is always me giving her quotes, supporting her with kind words but such gifts are never returned... and so my chest is empty... as another person who I give to who does not give back.. it is the story of my life and why I shall never let my heart care for another again.. it is always the same story... I am destined to walk this world like a hermit among the millions.. surrounded but alone... The only sense of humanity I find is my videos on youtube which few actually watch... I will lie back now and just tell her I am well.  I cannot open my heart anymore.. I will never let my words fall for another.. I tried to find the way back to the man I was when I was younger but like before this world is not a place for that person.. this world has no room for poets and romantics... and so I lay to rest the last pure part of my soul and I shall remain this flawed broken man cracked from too much of life...
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Jul 24 / 8:35pm

what love should be

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Jul 24 / 1:12pm

I have no poetry left in my heart

Words that once fell in love are now laced in pain... it is as if my heart leaks acid as I try to find something beautiful to say.  I do not want love and yet I wnat it more than anything in the world.  Its just the one my heart wants does not want me and I am left trying to walk through this world forever wanting what I cannot have.  The place inside me where words once fell is locked away trying in vain to hold back the tears that are always just waiting there hoping that just once I get a happy ending.. that this girl sees the beauty in me that no other ever has and yet I have no faith she ever will... and part of me knows that my time here on earth will not continue forever... that each day I am sad... I have lost something... before I always had hope but now I have none... the dream.. the one thing I have always wanted was in my grasp and the cracks from my childhood stole it from me once again... I shall never love again, I shall never let another woman touch me.. I shall never touch anyone again... I can't take the fall when they see the broken man enough and say I cannot love you... which they always do.. which everyone who has ever known me has said except my mother... but she has to love me.. my sisters have said they cannot love me...
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Jul 17 / 7:31pm

Every straight guy needs a lesbian for advice..



http://cybersweetness.com Hot girls have been using gay guys for advice for years... well dam it I got meself a lesbian friend for advice
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Jul 17 / 7:30pm

I was clingy



lost a girl cause I was being clingy..

go to http://gebadia.com if you have a video suggestion... or a question...
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Jul 17 / 7:27pm

men are like dogs, you need to train them



You wouldn't give a dog a treat if he poops all over the place..

If you have any suggestions go to http://cybersweetness.com, go to my app, add it and then go to urlsmack, search for gebalove.com and leave a suggestion.
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