I am just an ordinary guy... who could of be great... maybe extrodinary but I have a broken heart... broken by life. by things that were beyond control yet I still cannot forgive myself for the mistakes I have made.. I wake up each day hoping to sleep a little longer to make the day go by quicker.. I pray I will have enough motivation to do a nice video... to market my facebook application I made out of the desporation of knowing I cannot survive another winter in edmonton.. this place has become my prison.. for reasons I cannot explain.. When I am here I feel the rejection of my life upon me.. I do not go out for I am afraid a memory will reach up and leave me in tears upon the side of the road.. I have 4 months.. just 4 months to make $3000 a month of a website.. http://gebacards.com or get enough people to add my app http://cybersweetness.com which until I get some funding is simple a way to show off your vanity urls, your blog urls, your facebook urls, your twitter urls, your youtubeurls in a fancy way in your facebook profile... I know my ideas are good but getting people to listen to some guy who lives in his mothers basement suite and has suffered too many depressive episodes is hard.. a guy who somedays cannot get out of bed.. but I know I right.. branding has changed... it is about people.. every group within a company... should have a posterous.com blog, a twitter page, a facebook fan page, a youtube channnel and use my app to highlight it in each empolyees facebook profie.. but I cannot help but wonder if my heart will allow me the strength when it is attached together with ducktape to get this message out... all I want to do is move to malta where I have 2 friends.. 2 sisters... who ave shown me more kindness in my life than anyone other than my mother. more than my sisters... more than any reliative with the exception of my grandma.. and maybe t is my fault because I always felt like such a failure.. so broken inside from a childhood where I thought I was going to hel every day from 13 till even now.. I hae never sat down for coffee with my older sister.... I do not talk to my younger sister anymore.. we got into a sily fight cause I sat on my cell phone in dubai and called her here.. so she called me back in dubai and I got mad because I could not afford the cost... I am trying to live a good life... I am trying not to fall into old habits of one night stands.... but still the lonliness of my life.. of having nobody to tell of my pain... of having nobody email me... call me.. it overwhelms me..yotube has become the closest thing to human connection I have. I fall asleep with my computer hoping someone might say something in a video, in a comment, in an email ... it is all I have... sounds pathetic I know but I cannot deal with people because most days I cannot deal with me.. I feel things so much more than most people.... all people say is see a shrink who for a $120 an hour will tell you to talk to your 8 year old self.. who in an hour wil open wounds that will rip me apart inside and I will not last another 7 days.... find god people say.. he will forgive you but have yet to find god in a church or those who go there here in north america.. the church has become a tool to control.. how can anyone actually believe that god and science are not one and the same.. that the true magic of this world is that god created it with a mathimatical equation.. something that will forever be beyound human understanding... I do not want to call myself christian if it means those who are muslim or buddist will not share in the glory of heaven....In the bible it says don't judge yet it seems everytime I turn on the TV it is some religous person judging another... I see war and bibles being soaked in blood... since when did loving god mean killing others.. I talk to friends that are gay.. who are given love which I believe comes from god.. and if god gives them love who am I to say they are living in sin... what does it matter to me... in the end we will all face our maker... I want a god that loves all.. that simply loves all from the hooker to the gay man to the broken fucked up soal like me.. each finding grace with the knowledge that god simply loves them and accepts them for who they are... I do not want a god churches for jesus did not preach from a church... I do not want a god that believes in healthcare for the rich because jesus healed the poor... how does one claim to believe in god in one hand and be unwilling to pay for healthcare for all with the other.. seems like money has become the god.... wars.. death... pain.. has become the god of today....
and so I remain lost searching inside to simply belong... I do not even hope for love because the way I am broken does not heal....I simply want to sit in a cafe in malta with friends.. laugh.. tell stories and talk of god....
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