a fractured mind...

a fractured mind...

Gebadia Smith  //  

Dec 9 / 3:31am

The worst feeling in the world is when they say they don't love you

It is a feeling I will never hear again and yet I will hear it everytime there is silence in the air.. it is the feeling that lives within my heart everytime I shut my eyes.. I do not love you... it is what they all say when they look inside and see somoene I do not love.. myself.. they see the way I hate who I am, I hate everything about myself.. This life will never be worth it.. if I had one wish it would be to never be because the scars I have upon my heart will forever doom me to a life I do not want...I do not get the h1n1 vacincation because I do not want to live..... but cannot die... suicide is not something I will do.. I keep asking god to take me.. to end this life of mine which is a waste.....but he won't and I hate god with all my heart for making me...
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Dec 4 / 3:18am

Here comes the madness once again

It has been so long since I actually talked to someone that I feel as if I will lose the ability.  It is always that way.  You go without and then when you meet someone the words fall so quickly... I struggle with reality.  This idea that I have to get a job in 2 months.  I feel beaten down inside from 6 years with a boss who made suicide look like a good option.. I feel the pressure of my debts which threaten to overwhelm me.. all I want in life is to be debt free.. it is something that you really don't understand until later in life.. until you realize that your heart longs for the south american oceans.. to wake up to the sun.. to wake up anywheres than north america which is devoid of beauty for me...  I can't tell anyone what I truly think about.. you never can because to talk about what I think would send people into a panic.. funny how in life we can never truly be honest because of how other people react.. truth is I dohn't really give a fuck anymore.. because even if they were to write.. they were to call I would not answer.. It is my bubble.. fuck the world and all its crap.. this blog is for me.. it is where I give my madness so if you can't handle it fuck off.. it is just the randomness of the mind and people who freak out when they hear the truth make it so many people feel alone cause in life all you really want mostly is people to shut up and listen.. and since life did not provide me this.. this blog is my bouncing board but don't think you know me cause you read these words.. you know nothing...

The thing about people who suffer from depression is death is always an option.. it is not irrational either.. it is a totally rational thought... I am worth $500 000 dead.. and it would pay off all my debt and my mom's.. I love my mom.. I want her to be able to retire in dignity... how can it not be an option.. the problem is suicide don't pay so well.. I wonder if that is the reason I am not getting the H1N1.. would I fight to stay alive if I got it?  Probably not because my mom's happiness is worth more than my life... and you might say she wouldn't be happy... maybe.. but she would understand.. this world for me will never hold the joy it once did...

I am a man.. growing up I loved more than anything else was playing sports.. man vs man in a battle of strength, will, determination.. we can lie to ourselves as we get older but life is never as good as it was when we were the star of the basketball team....

I have never fit anywheres in this world and maybe their is happiness out their but my debt.. the fact I am going to be forced to work at some job I hate.. to be around people who have settled in life.. the fact that nobody will hire the crazy man from youtube even though he likely knows more about social sites online than most people out their cause it is where the depressed of this world...the rejected the freaks in the circus of the internet live...

They call me igebadia.. and please check out my youtube channel.. http://youtube.com/gebalove click sub and get updates of the tales from a fractured mind... funny...truthful.. I have no edit button..

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Filed under  //  blades   dark   darkness   death   depression   igebadia   love   morbid   pain   self mutilation   suicide  

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Dec 4 / 2:06am

How life has changed me in my views towards gay people...

Michael from whatthebuck http://bit.ly/kBDpm did this video...
Using my gay for Good

I made this video to show at a charity event I was at this week. I talked about how I used my status on the internet to help LGBT equality. I am happy that I am the first gay person many of you have known.

This is the igebadia's video response http://youtube.com/gebalove

If you have a question for me the best way to reach me is http://gebadia.com  :) cheers

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Filed under  //  gay homosexuality equality what the buck michael buckley  

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Dec 2 / 5:00am

tales of a fractured mind: skydiving can lead to a dick in the ass at high velocity..

Brian from systemjap http://bit.ly/4mNrpR did this video...
Brian's Skydiving Experience

Hey guys long time no see! This Thanksgiving break I was visiting my dad in Houston, Texas. This is my video of my skydiving experience.
Hope you enjoy it and more videos are on the way =]
Thanks for the wait!

This is my response...tales of a fractured mind....

these are the tales from a mind damaged by life.. checkout me tube channel for insights and madness and so you will have a greater understanding of how to deal with crazy..they call me igebadia http://youtube.com/gebalove

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Filed under  //  Brian Walters Systemjap Skydive Skydiving Tandem Experience Flying Houston Japan depression  

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Dec 1 / 7:26pm

I want green smoke

There it is.. the feeling of loneliness that washes over me, making me simply want to send my brain into drowsyville so I can escape.  I am back to sleeping the days away and staying up all night.  To get out of this pattern I have to stay up a full 24 hours and hope I will be able to fall asleep then.. I have to get off my sleeping pills, get off the green smoke, get off the booze and get in shape.. it is just what for.. the things that are wrong in my life are things that are not easily fixed.. I need to be able to afford to move out on my own.. but how is such a thing possible when every month I pay $2500 just on bills, I have no degree, only work experience and even then my training at my last job was so bad that to call it training would be an insult.  Innovation was discouraged and new ideas were often met with ridicule not because of the idea but who presented the idea.  In many ways the verbal abuse I took on my last job really damaged any confidence I have.. I started drinking doing green smoke to simply survive what I would call battered employee syndrome where often work was so bad I would come home and think of killing myself.. working their sent me into the worst major depressive episode of my life..

Still depression should be a really good point on the resume right.. suffered from depression, never went out and spent all my time online.. can your business degree employees say that?

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Nov 26 / 4:38pm

Everyone wants to give me advice

Why do people think they know me... If I want to talk about how I feel I get people saying I want poor me... as if they have any fuckin clue about my life.. maybe I just need to get it out.. need to say what I feel.. this is why I never look at the comments in gebalove because it is always someone thinking they know my life better than me... Always have to lie to people.. just one place I want in this world to give my fears..pain...irrational thoughts..
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Nov 23 / 12:27pm

Chronicles of a fractured mind: Tuesday

I think today is tuesday.  I have not slept.  My heart is a mess.. I wake up.. or open my eyes and turn on my laptop hoping to see a name in my inbox.. I do not.. I feel forgotten.. Any will I might had seems to fall by the side of the road and stepped on.. The silence within my world echoes with the evidence of my life... I am not worth anything... A simple truth...I cannot ignore... I have lost faith in anything... in life... I look around me and it seems so uninspiring.. I just wish I could sleep for the next year.. I wish my heart would heal.. but it won't... it will always remember..
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Nov 22 / 5:45pm

You should read this..- this is god...my next video

There is two ways we can do this.  Does it bother ou that my video responses get far more views than yours.  First off it is cause you woman think all that crap matters to us.. we do as much as it takes to get laid.  That is the logical choice.  You think love.. men are pretty much infuenced greatly by evolutionary effects of my penis gets hard and I feel no wrong.. this rush goes over me.. I am in heat.. doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend or not... all you have to do is find the cracks.. as soon as she complains your dick is in there.. but it is a trap... cause you can never trust her cause you know there are guys who are better than you and sometimes girls are stupid too.. the alpha male.. the one who stands confidently is more attractive..

Religion is funny to me cause if you watch TV Christians in space shows are fucken nutcases who have their faith challenged by enemies..bible said we look like him not think like him... dam can you imagine the emails he must get.. creating a perfect equation with some univeral constants.. you cannot see god in that.... the proof of a higher power is in the math.. but you all fight over silly stuff.. because flawed men are the cost of choice.. an animal is never evil, it is instincual.. we understand a damaged heart of animal as the product of man....dogs are like guys.. we just want to play and generally girls are the favorite chew toy.. we fail as a word because we forget gods greatest lession.. be kind to others, enemies.. be kind to all... we are so lost in our greed, our comercialism.. we have destroyed so muh of gods church...so many innocent animals dies because we are simply careful..to me that was the native peoples fault in canada cause we made sure they had lots of guns and drugs cause it is profitable....and shuts them up...

We argue and find differences because it is easier than a simple act of kindness.. but the only end to all these silly wars.. these silly fights starts with a simple act of kindness

but it won't happen cause men always need to show they have the bigger dick..

It is easier for us to kill than it is to simply be humble enough to say I am sorry...because in war their is rarely one wrong party.. it is two dumb men at the top who simply cannot get along..

Kindness is god speaking to us.. telling us the bible is about being kind to others.. the koran is about being kind to others.. budism is about being kind to others as is hindusim and so many others... find what is the same and there begins a friendship....

that is god..

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Nov 22 / 1:42pm

Chronicles of a fractured mind: Sunday

Today is another day when I wake up wishing I could just sleep through the day.  Later I am going to get some booze to try to drown out the voices in my head... I struggle with the evidence of my life...I try to drown them out with noise but my lonliness is too deafening.. strangers on youtube are kinder to me.. give more to me than those who know me... it makes it worse cause how come those who know me can't even send an email saying how am I doing.. I am turning inwards.. unable to ever let myself get close to anyone again.. new people try to talk to me but I cannot get close to anyone again.. I am too wrecked inside... See not anyone can cure the lonliness, it is the people who are in your life.. the people.. fuck I don't care anymore.. I need to drink excessivily... until I feel nothing inside...it is the only joy I have...
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Filed under  //  depression   friendship   gebadia   heart break   igebadia   love   madness   pain   suicide  

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Nov 22 / 1:39am

Chronicles of a fractured mind - Saturday Night

Good world.. she still has not written.. I think it is me.. even though I do not know what I could of said.. but when your me you always start and end with you...cause it is always me that is the problem.. I do not have the courage or self trust to be able to call out someone else.. or maybe doing that would mean truths I am not ready to face... maybe I do not trust myself but the cruel truth of all is I have to wake up tomorrow and go through the same self doubt and madness all over again...
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Filed under  //  depression   friendship   gebadia   heart break   igebadia   love   madness   pain   suicide  

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