Gebalove

Sometimes it takes a friend being cruel to truly love you.  There have been two woman in my life who loved me enough to be cruel so I might find my way.  See happiness cannot be found in another.  Happiness can only be found when it is found within us.  When we start to take control of our lives and look inside us for strength.  I am starting to find that... something inside me which I had lost.  Will.. but for at least moment I have will inside me and so I have hope.  Today I turned down sex.  It is the first time in my life where I said no.  I want more than this for life..

The problem with trying to get clean.. to let go of all the vices that come with depression is the body tells the mind no.  The mind then tells the heart there are many good reasons to need a drink or a smoke to survive.  The main one being life sucks if forced to live it without some kind of high.  It is always the same way with me.  Just when I start feeling good enough to beat my vices something happens or doesn't happen and the need grows strong in me.  I end up spending another day on the floor staring at some TV show unable to deal with life.  I have all these truly hilarious skits that I plan to do but the silence of my life, the lonliness of it overwhelms me. 

The sad reality I am facing is nobody can fix that inside me.  Why should I have to tell people to call or care?  I shouldn't... I won't.. anyone who already knows me had the chance to get to know me.. or maybe they didn't.. maybe the problem is simply they are associated with a life I don't want.  I don't want to be here in Edmonton.. I want to be in Malta... I want to leave Canada and never return.  It isn't that I don't love my country I just dislike north america..   I like the heart of Europe... the way they see life and live it.. the way they remember to take time to enjoy life where we take time to work harder... I am such a liar but the fact people I know read this blog changes the honesty of it.. what was a place for me to get the madness out has become a place where I censor my truth because if we are truly honest it would scare people... people who know you want to help and they can't... they can't change or do anything.. my madness is my own..not anyone elses.. I want out of edmonton because I hate the place with all my heart..  It is home to all my bad memories and very few good.. I want to leave on a jet plane.. and never return again...

they call me igebadia  google it or check out my youtube channel..  http://youtube.com/igebadia 

I don't like life very much right now.. I find where I live hard to handle cause it is like waking up each day and seeing all the things I have failed at in my life... I want so much to move to malta where I have friends.. people I can talk to but I need to save $10000... I know if I apply myself to my youtube channels and share my stories it will be easy enough but I find it so hard to shut out the voices telling me I will fail.. edmonton is like that for me.. a place where I fail... I feel trapped within this place.. I feel the voices ripping at my heart.. trying to steal life from me.. wanting me to fail... I only long for eternal sleep here.. but am even too afraid to experience that.. most days I walk around like a zombie with a hole inside his chest.. the realization that love is a precursor to depression has shook me to the core.. to know I will never experience ever after has broken me cause I cannot and will not risk another depressive episode.. but what then I ask... what is the meaning of life if it is not love... and that is the question I have because I am a poet... and for a poet with no hope of love.. suddenly the world is black and white... a dreary place...

It is all I want in life... to move to malta where I have friends... to wake up each morning to the smell of the salty air.. to dance with seagals.. although they have none... but seagals are the sailers lost at see... it is how I will go.... I will take a boat into a stormy night... challenge the untamed sea.. and join captain ahab beneath its salty grasp... that is if I ever make it to malta....tis a dream

Edmonton will always be a prison to me.. for those who have had the police come to your door and handcuffs placed on them.. they will understand what that means.... it is just a doctors appointment.. to get my IE papers signed and yet I would rather forgo the check and simply fall asleep in my bed... to be around people.. to be near people... I am fearful... my heart shudders.. but I must.. I see the clock tick down and know it is time to go.. but there will always be a voice screaming in my head.. that I am the boy who belongs locked away.. the freak of nature... I walk alone in this world never apart of what I am apart of by being flesh and bones.. each day it is still a struggle to simply exist.. to walk among the living when so much inside me is locked away unable to come out.. I am from a different time when men were men... when we were warriors.. not this life where we are trapped living intellectual lives or fighting wars of economics.. even though war has always been about economics.. the image we have in our heads of knights and princesses is just that an illusion we may only touch in our dreams... and perhaps that is why I long for sleep so I might find peace in the dreams which come no more..

In the recent post I talked about how being a yoyo was the reason I will never let myself close to someone and it is not.... she was a yoyo because she sensed in me a need she could never fill.. I needed love too much.. I needed her too much... and it wasn't fair... if my heart was like the knights of the round table then all she could be.. all love of another should have to be is lancelot....my problem is I don't have the other knights... the things life was suppose to give me it did not... see I suffer from depression.. a chemical imbalance in my brain...emotion for me is a million times stronger than the average person.. the ups and downs makeme a person you do not want to love because it is too much drama... it is not her fault I am this way but genetics... see sometimes when you are weak you need to put the blame on someone else because you can't carry the wieght yourself.. the reality is you should not date until you get to the point that you know you will be ok without her... and I have never reached that point in my life...I have always needed love too much...  and I needed it when I was younger... my father was a joke... he fucked up what was a family once upon a time... me I know if I were to let myself love again it might destroy me for good again.. each time I get my heart broken I turn more and more inwards.. I push more people away... I have lost so much in my life I just never want to lose more and love for me is the thing that causes me to lose so much... I am not sad... and maybe I am but it is about survival.. people like to tell themselves that there is someone for everyone and maybe they are right but you only get that if you are ok inside and I have met two girls I would of married.. I would of been happy with but the undeniable truth is I have never been ok with me... it is rarely about the other person.. it is about us.. about being able to look into ones soul and being honest with onesself.. if I truly love someone then I cannot ask them to love me.. it is unfair... and so even though you might disagree I shall never venture down that path again... I have a simple dream.. only one dream and that is to move to malta... to walk with a friend every once in while and talk of god, of life... that for me is the happily ever after I want... so if you want to help add my application http://cybersweetness.com to your facebook profile.. subscribe to my videos at http://youtube.com/igebadia buy a set of gebacards at http://gebacards.com or give me $10 000....lol or simply remember to love and cherish those around you... stand up for those who have less.. but never feel sorry for me... gebalove is my place to get rid of my pain.. to put my fears, my doubts, the illigcal emotional pain we all go through... unlike most people I simply give it to the world....  there are millions of people who have things far worse than me.. I simply have the ability to articulate the insanity of the heart.. and I chose this life because right now it is all I can do...

Most poeple don't really understand depression or how it works.  They think it is in our heads and I am sure some of it is.. but for a lot of us it manifests itself in real physical symptoms..  mine is usually in the right side of my chest.. for a long time I thought I was having heart attacks but my doctor said it was just muscles spasming as a result of a panic attack in my chest.  Today I went to my old job to get my EI form so I can get some money for leaving because of depression... before I left my old boss tried to tell me that it was in my head.. that it was just because I couldn't deal with reality.  Truth was going to work for a boss who berates you, and everyone else in the office probably was the biggest contributing factor to depression.  You might argue I deserved to be berated... you might argue I am an idiot... but the truth was the things I requested were just things other companies did.  Like Webex to reduce travel costs, like video tutorials with sound... I still remember my boss saying peopel who watched videos were lazy...even though it took 5 minutes in video and an hour to do things another way.   My boss was always like that... always living in their own world unable to come to grips with reality.  They could care less about the internet.. making claims that nobody finds them online without ever looking at the analytics..  Always find some excuse not to change.  When the recession hit it was the sales peoples fault not the fact that nobody had any money.  If the company wanted an ROI well it was because they were lazy and didn't really like our product even though common sense tells you that when a company has less money they likely will want to justify expenditures... 

I feel broken today going outside..

It is funny how Malta girl says I restored her faith in male female ever after love because she restored my faith in friendship... just she destroyed my faith in ever after love.. she treated me like a yoyo.. one day she was into me and the next she was not... over and over she did this... I wish I had the heart to describe in detail the words she said and then how she took it away.. I don't blame her... I blame myself... see in the end she gave the next guy everything I wanted... everything every other guy gets but me... and I can't tell her how that broke me... how it confirmed inside me that I do not deserve love... that when you see others get what you should have it proves that you are not worth that...  we are friends yes... but friends is all I will ever be with anyone..  I will never let another person hug me.. I will never kiss another person, hold another person.... I simple will never believe I am worth love... I will never let myself dare to think I am worth love... cause my life has told me I am not worth that.... evidence is to overwhelming... I just need to get enough money together to leave this place edmonton... buy a small house... and disapear... because when I am gone I shall never return... I shall never write.. I shall never call... I will just fade into the nothing I am.... maybe then I can simply forget I ever existed because when I pray it is that I pray for.. to never have been...

I am just an ordinary guy... who could of be great... maybe extrodinary but I have a broken heart... broken by life. by things that were beyond control yet I still cannot forgive myself for the mistakes I have made.. I wake up each day hoping to sleep a little longer to make the day go by quicker.. I pray I will have enough motivation to do a nice video... to market my facebook application I made out of the desporation of knowing I cannot survive another winter in edmonton.. this place has become my prison.. for reasons I cannot explain.. When I am here I feel the rejection of my life upon me.. I do not go out for I am afraid a memory will reach up and leave me in tears upon the side of the road.. I have 4 months.. just 4 months to make $3000 a month of a website.. http://gebacards.com  or get enough people to add my app http://cybersweetness.com which until I get some funding is simple a way to show off your vanity urls, your blog urls, your facebook urls, your twitter urls, your youtubeurls in a fancy way in your facebook profile... I know my ideas are good but getting people to listen to some guy who lives in his mothers basement suite and has suffered too many depressive episodes is hard.. a guy who somedays cannot get out of bed.. but I know I right.. branding has changed... it is about people.. every group within a company... should have a posterous.com blog, a twitter page, a facebook fan page, a youtube channnel and use my app to highlight it in each empolyees facebook profie.. but I cannot help but wonder if my heart will allow me the strength when it is attached together with ducktape to get this message out... all I want to do is move to malta where I have 2 friends.. 2 sisters... who ave shown me more kindness in my life than anyone other than my mother. more than my sisters... more than any reliative with the exception of my grandma.. and maybe t is my fault because I always felt like such a failure.. so broken inside from a childhood where I thought I was going to hel every day from 13 till even now.. I hae never sat down for coffee with my older sister.... I do not talk to my younger sister anymore.. we got into a sily fight cause I sat on my cell phone in dubai and called her here.. so she called me back in dubai and I got mad because I could not afford the cost... I am trying to live a good life... I am trying not to fall into old habits of one night stands.... but still the lonliness of my life.. of having nobody to tell of my pain... of having nobody email me... call me.. it overwhelms me..yotube has become the closest thing to human connection I have. I fall asleep with my computer hoping someone might say something in a video, in a comment, in an email ... it is all I have... sounds pathetic I know but I cannot deal with people because most days I cannot deal with me.. I feel things so much more than most people.... all people say is see a shrink who for a $120 an hour will tell you to talk to your 8 year old self.. who in an hour wil open wounds that will rip me apart inside and I will not last another 7 days.... find god people say.. he will forgive you but  have yet to find god in a church or those who go there here in north america.. the church has become a tool to control.. how can anyone actually believe that god and science are not one and the same.. that the true magic of this world is that god created it with a mathimatical equation.. something that will forever be beyound human understanding... I do not want to call myself christian if it means those who are muslim or buddist will not share in the glory of heaven....In the bible it says don't judge yet it seems everytime I turn on the TV it is some religous person judging another... I see war and bibles being soaked in blood... since when did loving god mean killing others.. I talk to friends that are gay.. who are given love which I believe comes from god.. and if god gives them love who am I to say they are living in sin... what does it matter to me... in the end we will all face our maker... I want a god that loves all.. that simply loves all from the hooker to the gay man to the broken fucked up soal like me.. each finding grace with the knowledge that god simply loves them and accepts them for who they are... I do not want a god churches for jesus did not preach from a church... I do not want a god that believes in healthcare for the rich because jesus healed the poor... how does one claim to believe in god in one hand and be unwilling to pay for healthcare for all with the other.. seems like money has become the god.... wars.. death... pain.. has become the god of today....

and so I remain lost searching inside to simply belong... I do not even hope for love because the way I am broken does not heal....I simply want to sit in a cafe in malta with friends.. laugh.. tell stories and talk of god....

I sleep with my laptop.... I wake early and see if she wrote.. she doesn't... her sister does but not her.. my heart is torn... I take some pills to fall back asleep.. I wish I could take some pills and sleep through this space we are taking.. I wake up again and still no words... only more subs on youtube.. the love of an audience that is as fickle as my next video.. the phone rings and I don't even look to see who it is.. nobody ever calls.. my sadness has caused me everyone I ever loved.  I am alone in this world. If I were to die today who would come to my funeral.. just those that are suppose to.. family that disowned me... I am alone.. always alone in this world... perhaps god is watching me... laughing at me.. I want to know why he made me.. why did he curse my life when I was young.. why did he make me into this pathetic man I am so desperate to feel love but to never have love... unable to believe anyone could love me... it is my life... I was watching TV and this guy had a heart attack.. I thought about it and longed for the same kind of joy.. and end....