Soon you find all you can do is lay in a dark room, lost in your mind where you still have a chance to be something listening to the sound of rain.  Sometimes you can't move because you carry too much inside that you can't let go for many reasons I can no longer remember.  Can you ever really explain the crap inside, the questions with no answers, the mistakes, the regrets, the curse of looking back and just wishing you could know what you know now, back then even though knowing would change everything.  the thing they never tell you is that timing is equally important to love.  Having the courage to deal with your problems which you don't and do.  Sure you went to the doctors and take some brain pills which reduce the wild ride which is a trip in my mind.  Still the crazy lurks beneath.  You are constantly aware of it beneath the surface, waiting for the right sequence of events which always lead to the same outcome. 

Some of you will disagree and say I am not mentally ill.  I will respond by saying are you a brain in a vat with multiple personalities?  No so shut the fuck up.  You say that to my face I would put your head through a wall and yet you expect me to be nice to you when you say online.  How many people have killed themselves because they simply could not find anyone to believe their pain is real?  How many scars live upon the arms of the broken who just needed someone to help them, to listen.  Sadly you couldn't just listen and shut your fucken mouth.  I hate people who try to tell me what to think about my own life even though they know nothing about me.   I know what is normal and what is not.  Being mentally ill doesn't mean running around chasing ghosts.  It just means in some cases you have less of one type of chemical or another.  Sometimes life breaks your mind and you just can't cope.  Sometimes life causes a predisposition to take effect.  Sometimes it is just the inability to feel happiness, sometimes it is like you in that you fight to control your emotions and how they lie to you.  How the voices of the past seem to control the interaction in the future because you can't see past your own flaws.  You can't see the good in you.  You can't get close to people because it terrifies you. 

I think all you can really say about yourself is at least you are not a brain in a vat like me..  I think that is my biggest pet peeve.  I can say I am a brain in a vat and yet a % of people who read my blogs will believe everything I say.  If you are one of those folks then you are stupid.  How many variables between truth and fiction?  The lie is not that I refuse to say if the tales are real or not.. the lie is that you think you can know the world from what you see or interact with online.. nothing online is real and thus all it can ever be is a story. 

Happy birthday Asha... In my heart I pray you know my thoughts are with you.. I am only silent because it is no longer my place and to send it would make me more pathetic than I have been I suppose.  Sometimes the kindest thing I can do is say nothing and ... bury the unspoken words of love deep down far.. far far away.. I so can go dark when it comes to you.  If I sent this letter I would feel pathetic.  I don't want to feel that way.  I don't want to give you the power to rip my heart from my chest like you did over and over again like some uncaring bitch.. maybe I was the ass that caused it by showing the worst parts of me right away.   It is the curse of the I am an idiot.  Maybe I wanted to hurt you emotionally like you hurt me... maybe I want you to feel the pain that never has gone away.. how you took me in, played me like a fiddle and spit me on the street when you scared the shit out of me by.. and yet it can still be my fault.. all perspectives are possible.. too many variables.. I don't have the answers to why it ended.. why..

likely a good idea I did not send this.  don't worry none of this is real.  you are a brain in the vat and this is just electrical impulses.  If you find you are an impulsive person it likely means you are mentally ill.  Sure the credit card companies for playing on your mental illness.  They call me carrivagio.. I am a poet mad scientist who doesn't write poetry anymore. 

You go online, interact with other digital people.  You can even live a virtual life where you can have virtual sex cause that is fun.  Soon you have no real human contacts.  One day you wake up and it hits you that you have no real friends.  You panic cause you need someone to care about you.  Things cascade, for some reason the darkness comes, you make one last ditch effort as the emotion grabs you and you swallow too many pills.  Nobody comes and your life ends. 

A single act of random in person kindness could of saved..

People don't need god's love to survive, they need human love.  The type that is given not because of birth right but the kind that given by pure choice.  People love to throwout pretty words about some higher power and ignore the fact that it is the love of those around them which keeps them strong.  I never wanted gods love.  I just wanted you to love me.  To believe in me.  To simply want to talk to me.  I never changed.  You just woke up one day and decided I wasn't perfect enough for you.  I could not live up to the fairytale you decided I had to be and so you washed your hands of me.  What can I do now?  Part of me wants to hurt you back emotionally so bad because I told you my stories.. and yet you were so cruel.  Another part of me says to move on.  Another part of me wishes it would feel good.  The reality that sinks in is sometimes it doesn't feel good.  Sometimes people are exactly as they are in action.  That most of us are not giving and prefer to take.  That in the details of action is the make of a person.  Problem is I am no better.  The man I dream of being is lost beneath a sea of emotion and hurt.  Strings to a life I no longer remember except for the pain that you can never seem to escape.  

I know it is my fault.  I am always too much.  I need too much.  I look in the wrong places for it.  I feel too much.  I will never know how to trust nor have the courage to try again.  It costs too much love.  You never get back what you put in.  I am becoming a recluse from this world and its people.  I don't feel safe around people.  I am trapped in a prison of my mind.  I deserved so much better than you gave me.  You deserved so much better than I gave you.

why can't I let go.  Why can't I forget you.. I want to hate you and yet all I feel is love.  The hate is only for me.  It is like I cut out my heart and left it upon the rock shores of malta...

don't worry.. I am sure this is a dream and none of this is real.  I no longer can tell the difference between real and imagined. 

Carrivagio... a broken man

I don't play into this whole bullshit about tomorrow being a better day.  Nothing will ever match the joy of youth.  Of getting to play for a team.   Waking up before a big day and planning the whole day out.  When you do well in sports you play later in the day.  When you suck you play way too early.  You want to eat 3 - 4 hours before a game so you can have to pregame poo which makes you jump higher cause you are lighter. 

It is not that I preclude the possibility of things getting better.  Maybe I am having a midlife crisis.  I am not eh first to talk about the curse of age and finding meaning in this world.  Ulysses by Tennyson was very much the same tale.  I so did not spell that right.  

Logically if life is a train I should just get off right.  I am hamlet and so I cannot for fear of what lies after.. I live because I must not because I choose to.. I live because it would hurt others if I were to give up.  I live because my dogs would miss me.  I live because they are my best friends.  I do not live for me which is maybe the problem.

Cause me is still lost in yesterday when I use to matter more.. at least in my mind... even though it all seems rather pointless as you zoom out and look at the big picture.  The math which is counter intuitive suggests otherwise.. that small things do matter which is what you tell bosses who think small things won't matter.. look at me did I use the same word twice in a sentence..

Life is a struggle between man and himself. there are days where you are glad you are not standing on a cliff because you would of taken the easy way out.  There are days when life feels worth it.. there are days where all you want to do is ask why did you make me lord..

They call me carrivagio and I can't dance 

Most people tend fall in the center where is where you would get the big boob in the middle.  I say boob meaning a bell shaped curve is only single boob friendly.  Apparently random data which in this case would be emotional range do not like more than one boob.. dam you bell and your curve.  Those who do not fall with the average tend to fall either outline which is why they are called outliners.  I am so doing a brutal job explaining stats because that is the type of information you drink heavily in university to forget.  I suppose I could google things to make sure I get every detail and fact right.  I won't though because of how wishy washy my heart really is.  How one moment I can be the most motivated person in the world and in the next I lose all confidence and give up without trying... so when it comes to me and my words if I don't get them out the door they will just die in my head.  Forgive the bad grammar and spelling.  I have good reason for the way I am.. the problem is you never get to explain it.  Nobody sits down with you and says your a little eccentric why... instead they just call you whatever, laugh and go on their way. 

I am weird I suppose.  I don't really know.  I don't much trust myself or my words these days.. ahhh.. tangent..

Where was I.. oh yah outliners.. two sides to the curve.. those with almost no emotion which must be nice on one side and those with too much emotion on the other side.  The more outliner you are the more extreme your condition.  Myself I don't know if I am an outliner or just close to the edge.  I do have an excess of emotion which is often like a river which you can fight all you want with no success.  Before you know it the emotion will overwhelm you and then everything is like swirls.. meaning emotion twists and changes things.. insecurities win out.. you get things wrong.. you make illogical assumptions ..

There really is not point to this blog post.. I suppose it is just about how sometimes in life you are focused and your heart lets you down.  How sometimes a memory can leave you in your bed lost trying to undo something that caused you pain which you can never really get over.  How you can run across the world yet you can't escape yourself.. how I wish it wasn't so hard to swim up stream. 

people will tell you all sorts of shit about how in time everything heals or jesus will heal you.. sometimes yes and sometimes no.  there are somethings in this world that will bring me to tears if I just let myself think about it for even a moment.  I have to be very careful that I don't listen to music or watch some silly tv show cause there will be that moment.  The one thing I think every person who walks alone in this world shares.. that deep utter fear of ending up alone... we all are just trying to find someone who will love us as we are in life... the thing is most people won't. 

I am cursed because I can see your feelings on your face before you even know your feeling them.  Reading people is something I have always done well.  I always sort of had to.  I was the weird kid who really never was able to fit in.  It is an emotion thing.  Emotion is a curse and a blessing.  Life is a curse and a blessing.  

there are moments when I am staring back at my life and none of it seems mine.  All of it seems like this sad kid who was just so afraid for so many good reasons.. running from himself.. and he ran all over the world.. so far has had a pretty interesting life.. you could not imagine the stories these eyes have lives.  It is a gift and a curse.. I have seen the world and have a million stories real and imagined I can tell strangers online... but can't tell a single close friend.. it is the curse of the fractured mind.. poor choices.. fear... social anxiety disorder, depression, seasonal affective disorder.. Half the problem with mental illness is you fit lots of different categories.. Life has made it difficult for me to trust people.   I have good reason not to trust others.  I could likely overcome the people problem if I could just control the emotional swings.   brain pills stop the emotional issues from manifesting themselves in physical ways..  at least most of the time.  You still have to be careful..

There in lies the curse.  You always feel like you are carrying a cup of hot coffee, standing in a row boat, in the middle of the big old ocean.  things that have memories.. like wind and you so don't want to feel those memories.. you can't cause when the dominoes fall they do not stop.. it is like you live through those moments again and again.  you see every single mistake.  You see the child who become a fucked up and screwed up man.. who lives in fear of himself.. fear of the way others affect him.. how easy it is for me, since we are talking about me carrivagio one of 13+ personalities of the mind of a crazy man.. I lose myself eat time I try to find love.. I panic all the time.. things have to be good cause if they are bad.. I am afraid of new situations.. every situation.. but I will go to great lengths to risk it all to fly across the world for just a kiss..

we are all just silly people, falling all over ourselves to find something in life.. each of us I suppose had a different dream.. I always wanted to fall in love, have kids.. life made that rather impossible..

Life is a motherfucker.. here is the best advice I can give you.... I got nothing man.. what do I know.. I am some made up character from the mind of a crazy man.. I could be real.. perhaps I must use fiction to speak the truth.. muhahaha.. 

I know why I was made this way.  In many ways we are all locked inside a whale.. afraid to play the hand life has given us..

Carrivagio.. and don't worry.. what is real these days depends upon whose eyes you are looking from.. all I want to know is that you felt something.. 

No compliments please if you like my writing.. to know about insecurity, fear and a lot of the stuff I do write about I must know a little or a lot about it.. fiction is just truth told with different characters.. think all those vegas movies which can only be told in fiction even though a lot of that stuff sometimes happens.. well not to the same extent.. you exaggerate.. hotter girls.. you end up arrested with the hiv.. but hey details..

I hate people making it seem like I am.. smart.. I use to be normal.. likely never smart but normal, then life happened and it fucked with my brain. 

If life for you is hard right now.. fight.. not because I can give you a reason.. not because of some silly promise it could get better but because it is what we must.. even if it is to piss off someone.. :) at the end of the day if knowing your smile will piss someone off.. if it gets you to another day.. then piss people off.. muahahaha..

They call me carrivagio.. I am a poet that does write poetry..